There a few phrases that when uttered by a partner have the power to transform. Examples are “I’m not wearing any panties right now” and, to use a more modern phrase, “Netflix and chill?”. Another of these is perhaps, “I like it rough.”
When a partner admits to liking rough sex, most men will see this as a green light for all-out porn star-style sex. The kind of sex that leaves marks.
Before you click away muttering to yourself, “my girl doesn’t like rough sex, this article is not for me.” Stick around. A study by the University of North Texas suggests that as much as “57% of sexually active ladies are turned on by the idea of forceful sex.” If you’re not a mathematician, I’ll make it easy on you: the study is suggesting that more than half of all women like it rough. Chances are, your girl has at least fantasized about rough sex. Later, we’ll tell you how to get her on board.
As exciting as the notion is, let’s take a moment to qualify what we are talking about. The definition of rough sex varies substantially based, at least in part, on someone’s experiences. A great way to put it is, “rough sex is subjective. What’s rough to one person could be tame to another.” But one thing it absolutely is? Consensual. Even if the consensus is feigned, which is a lot of fun.
Let’s Get Grey Out of the Way
No discussion about rough sex since 2011 would be complete without mentioning the book which has made the dream of dominating sex possible for countless couples: Fifty Shades of Grey. According to Alternet.org, “a lot of women have credited the book for giving them a way to address long suppressed sexual preferences.”
However, it seems the best seller has had a negative effect as well. The book at a public library in Belgium tested positive for traces of cocaine as well as herpes! It would seem the book was an active participant in someone’s rough sex. Some experts have also suggested that it has led to violence against women.
Not all husbands are crazy about the book. The same article on YourTango mentions at least one divorce that occurred because the husband wouldn’t recreate some of the scenes in the book. Yes, you read that right, the wife wanted to be dominated and her husband wasn’t having it. However, I would suggest that if she divorced her husband over it, there is likely more to the story.
Some Guys are “Meh” about Rough Sex
The husband that wasn’t interested in recreating 50 Shades style sex is not as uncommon as you might think. As eager as most guys are to truly dominate during sex, the truth is that some guys are just not all that into it. In this article from Alternet.org called “What If a Woman Likes Rough Sex but Her Partner Doesn’t?” there are several examples of guys that did not want to have rough sex.
Reasons varied from not wanting to feel like they were simply a sex tool to not wanting to engage in violence, if it was make believe.
She Wants It
You may also be surprised to find out that there’s a decent chance that your girl is also trying to figure out how to get you to become more dominating in bed while still trying to maintain demure. That’s right. The internet is littered with stories about girls that like rough sex. Additionally, it starts tame but it rarely stays tame.
So you already know why you like rough sex, but why would a girl like rough sex? Well, here are a few reasons:
- It’s carnal. For some women, whether they know it or not, goes back to a more primal urge to where in an animal-like way, the more dominant or larger male won the right to mate. Even if a woman doesn’t choose her partner for that reason, they may, while having sex, want to feel that domination.
- Rough sex keeps them in the moment. Men typically think less and either focus on not cumming too quickly or just exist in the moment. Women tend to think, think, and think some more. Whether it’s how they may look during the sex or if they’re performing well enough. Rough sex is a way to keep them in the mind frame of sex. As one woman puts it, “the more someone is able to shake me, literally, into the present moment, the easier sex is for me to enjoy.”
- It’s an outlet. In an article from Elle, a woman details how she was going through a difficult time with her family and turned to rough sex as a way to deal with a tragedy. In the story, she likened it to cutting. The men in the story seemed to be more than just friends and there was an understanding but she still described it as “scary.”
So how do you get your girl to try rough sex?
1.Start light and easy
The phrase light and easy doesn’t really apply to rough sex but that’s the approach you should take. Start with spanking during sex. Just a few playful slaps and see how she reacts. She may react positively at that moment and verbalize a desire for more. Which of course, you will oblige.
However, she may not obviously react in a positive way and you will be unlikely to continue. I recommend casually bringing it up later. Don’t attempt to talk about it during sex and don’t attempt much more than spanking without having already discussed it.
2.Bring it up
There are a couple of ways you could go about this. The most obvious is to simply start talking about it but this requires some tact. Better to talk about sex generally then gradually arrive at rough sex.
Another perhaps easier option is for the topic to “accidentally” present itself. You could plan an evening near an adult store and playfully suggest you go inside. You could watch a movie that contains a rough sex scene and express interest. You may even, while grocery shopping, stop by the toys and make a half-joke about the toy handcuffs. All of these could get the conversation going in a direction you find favorable.
3.Decide on a Safe Word
She may be understandably cautious but still interested. This is a good sign and a great time to bring up a safe word. Basically, anything you can do at this point to reassure her that she can trust you. This becomes much easier if you are in an established relationship.
If you get lucky and have rough sex, don’t ruin it by getting too rough too quickly and ignoring any signs of discomfort.
Another topic that can’t be ignored in an article about rough sex is the BDSM or Bondage Dominatrix Sadomasochism. BDSM doesn’t need an introduction as you already know that it’s the roughest of rough sex while still being consensual.
This would be described as a fetish which is word that people use casually but actually has a specific meaning: According to Psychology Today, if a person has a fetish then “only through use of this object can the individual obtain sexual gratification.”
This means, as an example, if you are attracted to a woman’s foot in a sexual way, it’s not a fetish unless you are unable to become sexually aroused or gratified without it. Otherwise, you just like a woman’s foot.
Another misconception about BDSM is that people who engage in it are outliers of society. On her website, SexandLifeCoaching.com, psychologist and owner of a PhD in Human Sexuality, Christine Milrod says that there are “many fine, upstanding dysfunction-free individuals who happen to enjoy” BDSM.
For more information there are a couple of sources, both of which you are likely to enjoy.
The Society of Janus – A group who’s main focus is to “support and education organization for people interested in learning about BDSM.” Truly furthering the Dr. Milrod’s point that people who participate in BDSM are completely normal.
Penny Flame’s Expert Guide To Rough Sex – This is not a society, it’s porn. Educational porn. The most difficult part of this would be sitting through it long enough without masturbating and losing interest. However, watching the video with your girl could be an effective way of starting to learn and enjoy rough sex, especially if she is already a fan of porn, which is also something that more women than you might expect enjoy.
For an expert opinion on Penny Flame and her instructional adult film, check out the aptly titled blog Slut Lessons.