A long standing and widely held belief in the dating and relationship field is if you want to impress the opposite sex you should work on your self confidence and sense of self worth… Makes sense right?
But according to Claudia Brum Baugh (psychology professor at Queens College) being slightly insecure about your self and your chances of dating success INCREASES your chances.
146 Single College students were tested which is a reasonable sample size but further parallel studies could shed more light into her results.
During videoed dating experiences with different personality types the singles were analysed and scored based on indicators of interest such as eye contact and flattery.
The self confident daters new that if their date was not interested in them they could always go elsewhere for love. Self confident and self assured daters portrayed a “take it or leave” attitude.
Which this approach you run the risk of coming across as arrogant and disinterested. As a result the self confident daters scored lower than the self conscious and more self aware daters.
Brumbaugh concluded that the insecure dater desperately wants to be liked and accepted that they put more effort into coming across likable.
The interesting positive side effects of being insecure are enabling them to outplay the confident dater (at least in this study)
I am sure if the confident dater gave a dam about impressing his/her date he would have scored higher in the IOI (indicators of interest) assessment. Larger sample sizes and further testing will shed some light on this interesting result.
She also mentions that insecure singles are hyper aware of their surrounds which helps them to stay aware of their dates feelings and emotions.
The can perceive how they are being perceived which enables the sensitive and “insecure” dater to act dynamically throughout the date, always ensuring that their date is happy and interested in the current topic.
Self awareness hardly helps a guy stay relaxed during tense first dates but at least you are able to come across caring which apparently is more important.
If a girls perceives that your trying to make her feel at ease ( even if she isn’t ) you could be doing enough to win her heart. (according to studies)
Dealing With Dating Insecuirty
The flip side of insecure daters winning the hearts of many a beautiful women is that it all comes out in the wash. If she mistook your insecurity as simply a gentle caring nature the relationship may not last long.
Poor communication backed by an anxious “jumpy” nature creates un-needed friction in a relationship. These character traits will cause a girlfriend to leave a realtionship even if she still cares for you. Being gentle and caring is not enough to catch (and keep) a women. It may work during the initial stages of romance but in the end
Attraction Isn‘t A Choice
And you need to make sure you continue to attract your partner to keep the chemistry alive. Resting on your past successes and thinking that you have her in the bag could be enough to see her walk out that door.
Even if she seems apparently happy with the relationship keep the feeling attitude of a single man close at hand.
This means you never rely on her financially or emotionally. Y
ou keep yourself strong and able to continue GIVING to the relationship.
Insecure daters tend to lean toward putting their partners down to bring themselves up…
Using guilt and fear as tools to keep a partner around (no matter how joking) will always back-fire.
Understanding that your partner COULD be happier with someone else and DO have the power to leave you and strike out on their own keeps you on your toes.
You need to make it worth while for them to keep you in their life by being so irresistible, reliable, and emotionally stable that they would never dream of leaving you.
But how does a dater low on confidence and emotional security portray and transmit feelings of power, dominance and security?
It’s a chicken and egg scenario but it starts with self development and with the WILL POWER to make it work.
You have to want to eliminate the feelings of anxiety first! You have to believe that the feelings of anxiety are currently serving a purpose in your life.
Why would a negative feeling be serving a purpose?
That’s for you to decide – there will be a reason , perhaps it’s your mind trying to keep you safe from inevitable change. Change can be tough for anyone so anxiety springs up when you try to sign up for communication and public speaking classes.
Perhaps the anxiety you feel is simply down to diet!
Deciding to no quite drinking alcohol and smoke cigarettes WILL have a massive positive influence on your life.
You may even be gluten intolerant and your body is reacting to the poison within the grain when your body digests it. There are other possibilities and reasons why you are anxious BESIDES and INDEPENDENT of your own doing. So try and ease up on the blaming of yourself and look for ways to be healthier both emotionally and physically.