Dominance and Submission: What You Think You Know is Wrong

Dominance and submission have gained quite the pop culture interest since the release of the book 50 Shades of Grey.

Suddenly housewives everywhere were admitting that they had fantasies of submitting to a strong partner. It certainly gave people a way to bring up the subjects of domination and submission and brought it from the shadows into the light of day.

However, there are still many misconceptions surrounding domination and submission. Unless you’ve explored the world of BDSM, and even for many that have, what you think you know is probably wrong.

Get ready to learn what its really about, why it’s a necessary part of society, and what drives people to be one, the other, or even both.

Dominance and Submission in Society

Yes, you read that right. D/S doesn’t just apply to the bedroom. In fact, it impacts every aspect of our lives, and every relationship that we have. Every relationship, whether familial, romantic, or platonic will have one person being more dominant and one being more submissive.

Many times the fights we have with our loved ones occur simply because we are challenging this dynamic or both parties are fighting for dominance.

The Dynamics of Dancing

Consider dancing. When one partner leads and the other person follows their lead, you have a graceful set of movements that turns simple steps into something bigger. It’s beautiful, meaningful, and even intimate.

Even watching the dancers move and interact is a profound and moving experience. 

Now, imagine a dance where both parties try to lead. If they are equally dominant, they won’t get past the first step. They will stand locked together fighting for control.

Now imagine that one is more dominant than the other. You’ll likely still end up with a dance, but the steps will be messy. It won’t be the graceful flowing thing it’s meant to be. Instead, it will be choppy, the battle for dominance clear. Steps will get missed or not performed correctly. Toes will get stepped on.

With two equally submissive partners, the dance won’t even begin, because no one will initiate it. They will stand there looking at each other like two kids in middle school, wanting to dance but not sure how to begin.

Anne Morrow says:

A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules. The partners do not need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart’s. To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand, only the barest touch in passing.

It also brings up another similarity between D/S and dancing. You can’t force someone to follow your steps in a dance, any more than you can force someone to willingly submit to you.

Instead, a dance is led with the gentlest of touches, a light guiding hand, a nudge of the foot, a movement of the eye. At its heart, true D/s is similar. It isn’t a constant power struggle, and it isn’t all about pain and punishment.

While these are one aspect, true dominance and submission can also be very subtle.

It can and should ultimately result in its own sort of dance, with the dominant leading and know that the submissive, by her very nature, is bound to follow his steps. 

Dominance and Submission in Everyday Relationships

As I mentioned, every relationship we have has an element of dominance and submission. Consider your group of friends. Who generally decides what you do and where you go? Is there one person who is more likely to get everyone together and decide what you’ll be doing on Friday night?

This person is the alpha of the group, and has some degree of dominance over the others.

Familial relationships are similar. Parents will always have an authority, or dominance, over their children. Even as a grown-up, you find yourself submitting to your parents on certain issues out of love and respect for them.

With work relationships, its generally much more obvious. Employees are submissive to their boss. They do what they are told. The boss should be able to trust his employees to carry out the tasks he gives.

Dominance and Submission in Romance

Dominance and submission are an often overlooked part of our everyday relationships, especially romantic ones.

According to Psychology Today:

The most stable romantic relationships and marriages seem to be those in which dominance is clear from the beginning. The dominant partner makes all the decisions, from what show to watch on TV in the evening to where to go on vacation in the summer, and the subordinate partner acquiesces and takes a supporting role.

It goes on to state that for those looking for a stable lasting relationship, dominance and submission are much more likely to give them what they are looking for.

This is because both partners have a defined role. When there isn’t a clearly established dominant partner, all disagreements must be settled through fighting or negotiation.

This can take a toll on a relationship. Eventually, if neither partner is willing to submit enough to acquiesce to the other, the cost of the relationship will likely become too high. At this point, the relationship will end.

Are You Dominant or Submissive?

Most people assume that men are naturally dominant and women are naturally submissive. However, this isn’t always true.

If you are in a relationship currently one of the easiest ways to determine your role is by who makes the decisions. Ideally, you will both have some input, but one person usually makes the final decision.

Of course, being dominant in a relationship and dominant in the bedroom can be different things. Some people are dominant in their day to day life, including their romantic relationships, yet long to be dominated in the bedroom.

Some people are also submissive and easy going in their life and relationships, yet enjoy being in control in the bedroom.

There are also quizzes you can take to determine if you are dominant or submissive.

You can find your level of dominance here.

This one is more relationship focused, and will also let you know if you are a switch.

Myths and Truths

There are many myths concerning BDSM. When it’s seen in pop culture, it’s always sensationalized. Fifty Shades of Grey is a perfect example, but there are many more.

While BDSM in pop culture can certainly pique someone’s interest and open up the discussion, you will never find an accurate representation of BDSM there. It is entertainment first and foremost. It isn’t meant to be truly educational.

Myth #1: It’s All About Sex

Anytime you see BDSM or d/s in pop culture, it’s presented in a sexual context. For many people, sex is an important part of a d/s relationship, but it’s not the main drive.

In fact, some d/s relationships involve no sex at all. Regardless of whether sex is involved, at the core level, the relationship is simply about the domination and submission, not sex.

It’s about the mental aspect. Giving up control to someone you trust, or taking that control with a sense of honor and responsibility.

This can certainly heighten sexual experiences. It can increase the level of trust and intimacy between partners, and allow them to let go and explore new sides of themselves.

Myth #2: It’s About Abuse

For the average person, the idea of consenting to be spanked or allowing someone else to tell them what to do in a very intimate manner can be hard to understand.

It’s easy to see how the line between abuse and d/s can be easily blurred if you don’t understand what’s really going on.

The biggest difference is that d/s is always done with consent. There is no true submission without a willingness to do so.

Physically forcing someone to do something doesn’t show true submission or authority.

It can play a part in a d/s relationship as a way to establish the power of one party over another. Still, there should be a safeword, so that even if the submissive is fighting against what is happening physically, in reality, they still have the power to stop it.

In this way, there is an element of submission even with acts that are physically forced upon the submissive. The choice to let things continue is always theirs.

True submission is the act of willingly giving up your power to the other person, and true domination or authority stems from this submission. 

There is also consensual nonconsent in the BDSM community. This means that the submissive willingly gives up their right to consent to any and all things that are asked and done to them.

This is seen as the ultimate act of submission and trust in the dominant party. Again, the submission is done willingly. If physical force is used at some point, consent was still given in some form ahead of time.

Myth #3: It Stems From Abuse

Many people think that those interested in d/s are into it because of some form of past abuse. Of course, there are people who have been abused in the BDSM community, just as there is in any community.

However, there are also many people from very healthy backgrounds. In fact, the implication that people are into d/s submission because there is something “wrong” with them, is wrong on many levels.

In addition to implying that there must be something wrong with you to enjoy d/s in the first place, it implies that those who have been abused in the past are incapable of making healthy decisions.

For anyone with a history of abuse, who has found a way to overcome the pain they’ve gone through, this is extremely offensive.

Myth #4: You Must Enjoy Giving or Receiving Pain

The acronym for BDSM includes Sadism and Masochism as well as domination and submission. However, the two don’t always go together. You can be into d/s without enjoying giving or receiving pain.

Some d/s never participate in any type of pain play. Some use it as a form of punsihment, and some enjoy it. Like sex, it can be an addition to the core d/s dynamic, but it isn’t an integral part of it.

You can still be dominant or submissive without enjoying or even using pain play.

Myth #5: You Must Be Dominant or Submissive

If it’s all about domination and submission, you have to choose one role or the other, right?

The truth is that many people are both. Some lean more to one side or the other, and some need both equally. And I use the word need purposefully. This isn’t simply a sexual preference.

It is a need, just as strong as the need that we all have to be loved and accepted for who we are.

Those who can be either dominant or submissives are known as switches, or sw, because they can switch from one role to the other.

Myth #6: It’s Based on Gender Roles

Men are generally seen as more dominant and women as more submissive. However, this isn’t always the case. Domination or submission comes down to a need, and this need isn’t necessarily tied to your gender.

For some, they are naturally one way or the other in all aspects of their lives. For others, they are in a position of power in their day to day life, and crave giving up control in the bedroom.

The simple fact is everyone has these desires to some degree. We are all either naturally more dominant, submissive, or switch back and forth based on our mood.


What does it mean to be a dominant? What is it like? Is it a sexual desire, or is it a deep need? Dominant guys are portrayed as being overbearing cocky assholes.

The truth is that this is not what dominance is about.

Dominance isn’t being an overly loud, coercive asshole, which is how society portrays it. Rather, it’s how you achieve a satisfactory outcome in a situation in which other individuals are working to deny you the outcome.

Dominance can be hard to define because it encompasses so many different things. However, this sums it up quite well

Think of it like this. You ask a girl to come home with you. She says she will give you a call and meet up with you in a few days.

Now you both know that a few days likely isn’t going to come. A non-dominant man will simply accept this answer and likely never see her again.

A dominant man, however, doesn’t take no for an answer. The conversation would go something like this:

Him: Are you enjoying spending time with me.

Her: Yes.

Him: Well you know if we part ways now, we will probably never see each other again. We are enjoying each other now, who knows what could happen. Why wait?

Her: We could still meet up in a few days.

Him: No we wouldn’t. And we would miss out on the opportunity to see what could happen between us. I mean if we have fun tonight and make a connection, then we actually could meet up in a few days.

Her: Smiles

(Now before she says anything else grab her hand and take her home)

Now let’s look at what happened here.

First, he didn’t take no for an answer. He knew the girl was interested, so he didn’t give up.

Secondly, he broke social norms by calling her out on meeting up in a few days. Societal norms say the polite thing to do is agree, even if you know you won’t see each other again.

Third, he used logic and emotion. Mentioning things like connection gets to the girl on an emotional level, without promising things you aren’t willing to give.

Fourth, he assumed the answer was yes. Sure the girl can stil say no when you grab her hand and lead her, but the fact that you assume the answer is yes is very attractive. Women also enjoy being physically led by a dominant man and feeling like they don’t have to make the decision.

You’ll notice at no point in the conversation was the man an asshole, intimidating, overbearing, or forceful. Some of these things can play a part in BDSM dominance, but they don’t have to.

The Role of Social Policing

Society has a long list of unwritten rules and codes of behavior. When you step outside of these rules, if someone views you as equal or lower status, they will “police” you.

If you say something inappropriate for example, someone will be quick to tell you it was wrong either through words or actions. It may be a comment or simply a stern look.

Same if you get angry at McDonald’s because they took too long with your order. The people you are with will tell you to calm down. This is social policing.

However, when you are seen as more dominant or of a higher social status, you don’t get social policing.

The Problem With Following the Rules

Society tells you to just be an average joe. Follow the rules. Act within social norms. Keep your head down. Work hard. And you’ll get what you want.

Unfortunately, this won’t get you what you really want.

The fact is that average joes live average lives.

Sure you may end up with a decent house, a decent job, and a decent wife. But what if you want more than that? What if you don’t want to settle for average?

Being a dominant man can help you achieve your goals.

The biggest difference between a dominant man and an average joe:

Life just happens to average joes.  

They take what they can get, and many things happen outside of their control. They may hate their job, they may even hate their wife, but they don’t have enough control to change things. They go through life with it happening to them.

Dominance, Winning, and Testosterone

We are winning or losing constantly in our everyday lives. Your boss asks you to stay late, or your girlfriend says she’s not in the mood. Sometimes these concessions are necessary, and sometimes being dominant can allow you to “win” instead of “lose”.

Studies have found that when men win, their testosterone levels go up significantly. When they lose, they go down.

So it seems to create a bit of a circle. Testosterone can help you be more dominant, and winning more in life because you are dominant can raise your testosterone.

This is also called the Winner effect. Winners consistently win, and losers consistently lose.

Another study found that men who were day traders with higher testosterone levels in the morning made more money that day than those with lower testosterone levels.

So, clearly being a dominant man who “wins” at life has its advantages. But if you aren’t naturally dominant, how do you train yourself to be dominant?

Becoming a Dominant Man

The truth is that being a dominant man isn’t about being the loudest, biggest, or the strongest. Being a dominant man is about doing things on your terms. Always finding a way to win.

Your boss asks you to stay late, and you say that you cant, but you’d be happy to take care of the work in the morning.

Your girlfriend says she’s not in the mood, and you find a way to get her in the mood.

Eventually, this will begin to come naturally to you.

Being a dominant man is all about being in control of the situation and getting the outcome that you desire.

Dominance in BDSM

Of course, dominance in your everyday life is a great way to get what you want, but what about when it comes to d/s relationships? Dominance happens on a much deeper level in these types of relationships.

It takes a high level of trust for a d/s relationship to work. The dominant, or dom, is essentially responsible for the health and well being of the sub, both physical and mental.

There is a huge amount of power in being a dom, but there’s also a huge amount of responsibility.

At all times, you must consider the needs and well being of the sub. They have placed their trust in you, and if you violate it, it can ruin the relationship as well as damage the sub.

Dominance Rules

There are some rules that all dominants should follow. These will allow you to be a good dom and keep your sub safe and happy.

1. Honesty Isn’t Optional

To be in a d/s relationship, you have to have complete honesty. This means you and the sub must be completely honest with each other. However, it goes even farther than that.

You have to be able to read the sub’s nonverbal communication as well. They may not even realize that something is too much until you are in the middle of the scene. Even though they have a safeword, you should be able to determine when things are reaching their limit.

A safe word is like an airbag, good to have in case of an accident. However, the accident should be prevented in the first place. If you know and watch your sub well enough, they won’t need the safeword.

2. It’s All About the Sub

Here’s the thing about holding all that power. It’s up to you to make sure that the needs of the sub are met. This means that you always consider their needs before your own.

Every decision you make and action you take should take her best interest into account, and it should always come before your own.

This is the price of power. 

3. Trust

This is honestly the most important thing about any d/s relationship. You have to trust each other. As the dom, you have to earn the trust of the sub. She will never be able to fully submit without being able to fully trust you.

Types of Dominance

When most people think of BDSM or d/s, they think of a woman chained up in a dungeon being whipped into submission. Sure, some people enjoy that.

However, d/s is about so much more, and there are many types of dominants.

There are four basic types of dominants. Daddy doms,  authoritarian doms, mentor doms, and sadist doms. Many doms are some combination of these, but one will always be dominant, pun intended.

Daddy Doms

These are the doms that act with a sort of parental authority. They always have the best interest of their sub at heart, and tend to be the most gentle type of dom.

They can be strict or punish when necessary, but treat their subs very well as long as they behave.

Daddy doms are often seen in DD/lg relationships. While these are certainly daddy doms, any dom that rules with a gentle hand and lots care and concern for the sub also fall into this category.

2. Authoritarian Dom

An authoritarian dom will give you lots of rules. They may manage every aspect of your life, telling you when to eat, sleep, etc. While daddy doms give some leeway in relationships, questioning an authoritarian dom is never a good idea.

Punishment for questioning or not following the rules will be swift and severe. 

You’ll find the old guard dominants here. They expect absolute submission in all areas. They are also the type you commonly see at munches, showing off their incredibly well-trained submissives.

3. Mentor Dom

This type of dom is always focused on helping his submissive grow into the best she can be. His rules aren’t arbitrary or simply for his own satisfaction. He takes the needs and interests of the sub into account.

Subs in these relationships may be assigned tasks like working out, learning new things, and taking classes.

4. Sadist Doms

Sadist doms are in it for s&m playtime. Their relationships will often focus heavily on the play and sex aspects and less on other aspects of a relationship. They will achieve submission through inflicting pain.


Dominants in the BDSM community are also referred to as tops, and the person in control during a scene is always the top.

You’ll hear more about subspace, which is the state that subs enter, later on. Subspace is a bit of a celebrity in the BDSM community, however, no one talks about its counterpart, topspace.

Topspace and subspace are both altered states of consciousness. Both can be euphoric to some degree as well.

Topspace can be best described as the same state that racecar drivers enter on the track. If you’ve ever driven your car way too fast and been completely focused on it yet felt your mind was freed in some way at the same time, you’ve experienced it as well.

You become hyperfocused on what you are doing, yet feel a sense of freedom.

Day to day concerns fade away, and all you are aware of is the present moment. 

You may lose your sense of time, because you are so wrapped up in what is happening. You may find a greater sense of intimacy with your partner and find yourself better able to judge their needs and desires.

It’s as if you are finally able to free your mind from its box of day to day cares, and find that your senses, intuition, and perception are heightened as a result.

According to sex therapist Gloria Brame:

Topspace for me is the ultimate stress-buster — I experience it as a strange combination of total tranquility, incredible focus, and a brain rush of power because it’s that one place in the real world where I am completely in control.


Let’s be honest, submission is a dirty word in today’s society. Whether you are male or female, if you are submissive you are considered a doormat. The type of person that gets walked all over, used, and discarded.

What many people fail to understand is that many times submission requires strength. 

Have you ever watched tree limbs blowing in the breeze? They are strong because of their ability to go with the wind instead of fighting against it.

The truth is that healthy submission requires a great deal of confidence in yourself as well as the other person. You have to be secure enough in who you are to let go of control.

Being in a dominant position inspires confidence due to the authority given. To be a happy and healthy submissive, that confidence must already be there.

You must be the type of person who has nothing to prove because you are confident in who you are. You are secure enough to not need constant control.

The truth is that giving up control is a great act of trust, strength, bravery, and vulnerability.

It’s opening yourself up and truly allowing someone else in. It’s an intimate experience like nothing else, but it is not for the faint of heart.

It is for the brave, the secure, the open-minded, and the rebels.

In a society that values control and power over all else, submission is actually the ultimate act of rebellion. It’s stepping outside of society’s box. Coloring outside of their lines.

It’s essentially giving society’s rules the middle finger. Saying this is who I am, and I am secure enough to admit it. This is what I want, not what society tells me I should want.

Submission in Life vs. Submission in the Bedroom

There is quite the paradox here. Dominant individuals are normally dominant inside and outside the bedroom. It’s rare that you find someone who is subservient in their daily lives, but dominant in the bedroom.

They may be more dominant in the bedroom, as if their everyday personality has been magnified, but not completely different.

However, when it comes to submission, it can go either way. Some of the most powerful people in everyday life long to be submissive in the bedroom.

They long to give up control, to let someone else handle things. To let someone else have the responsibility for a time. They can be very dominant in their day to day lives, and then kneel before their master in the bedroom.

Of course, there are obvious benefits to this. Being in a submissive position can be extremely relaxing. You don’t have to worry about what to do. In fact, you don’t even have to be completely responsible for yourself, as the dom should always look out for the sub.

For someone who is constantly in control, this can be the ultimate release. Even if you aren’t a high powered executive, you still have lots of responsibilities. Decisions to make, things to take care of.

To be able to let go of all of that and let someone else handle things can be a beautiful experience.

There are also people who are naturally submissive. These are the ones more likely to seek out a 24/7 d/s relationship. It isn’t the lack of control or responsibility that they crave, it’s pleasing someone else.

They are the ones that go out of their way to help others in their day to day lives. That intuitively know what someone needs and will give it willingly without being asked.

They are often called people pleasers. This term generally has a negative connotation. However, it isn’t always a bad thing. The problem comes when someone sacrifices their own needs and desires to satisfy someone else’s to the point that they are no longer happy.

Every relationship involves compromise. A healthy sub finds joy in pleasing others. That is what makes them happy.

They get their needs met by meeting the needs of others. 

For them, being a submissive isn’t a kink, or a lifestyle choice, it’s a need. A need to be needed, taken care of, to adore someone and do whatever is necessary to please them. A need for someone to appreciate all that they do, and give them a safe space to be who they are.

A need to be praised for their nature, instead of shamed for it. 

The Power Play Paradox

Some people are naturally very submissive. They will submit to anyone they feel has a position of authority quickly and easily. They don’t question what they are told, they prefer to follow orders instead of making their own decisions.

This type of submissive can be dominated easily, even by someone who isn’t that dominant themselves. Here’s the thing though:

The stronger the submissive, the stronger the dominant must be.

Some submissives have a deep-seated desire to submit, but they won’t do it for just anyone. It requires someone who is very secure in their dominance and authority to get them to submit.

They may be seen as difficult, or even as people who are playing a submissive role but not really a submissive. They may even feel like a bad sub.

The truth is that they simply have high standards. They see submission as something that must be earned. You must not only prove your dominance, but your trustworthiness.

However, when this type submits fully, it’s special. It means something. It matters. 

This should be differentiated between those who call themselves a sub but are just seeking the thrill of punishment. It can be difficult to differentiate, but a strong submissive will submit fully to someone that proves their worthiness.

Someone who is just seeking punishment and a battle for control will never submit fully.

Pushing the Boundaries

One of the interesting aspects of d/s relationships is pushing boundaries, particularly those of the sub. It’s easy to submit when you are comfortable with what you being asked to do.

When it’s something you aren’t comfortable doing, submission is much more difficult. However, it’s also much more meaningful.

There are soft and hard limits in BDSM. Hard limits are things that you absolutely will not do. These limits should always be respected. They may change as you become more comfortable with yourself and your partner, but this should always be left up to the sub.

Soft limits are the grey area. Things that you aren’t horrified at the thought of doing, but not comfortable with either. The things that are out of your comfort zone. This is one area where submission really comes into play.

Will you push past your comfort zone to please your partner? Will you choose to submit when what you are asked to do doesn’t come easily for you? This is the true essence of d/s.

However, it’s about much more than simply pleasing your partner or submitting to them. There’s a freedom in moving past your boundaries. It can inspire confidence, growth, and openness. Outside the bedroom as well as inside it.

For women, it can also allow them to express themselves in a way that they normally wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.

Society tells women to act like ladies. We aren’t supposed to enjoy sex too much, we aren’t supposed to get a thrill from kinks. To put it simply, women are made to feel that they can’t be sexually open, even behind closed doors. It’s considered “slutty”.

However, when you are in a submissive role, you can be a slut. You can push past what you were taught and open yourself up to your partner. This also enhances your own sexual experience, and allows you to truly express yourself sexually.

The truth is that for many submissive women, being called my little slut is just as sexy as being called baby girl or good girl. 


Subspace is a subjective experience. It varies from person to person and even scene to scene much like an orgasm. Most experience a sense of floating and relaxation. You may also feel dizziness, lightheadedness, or even become incoherent.

It can make it feel like there’s no one else in the world but the sub and dom for both parties. This isn’t just some romantic notion either, it has to do with the sympathetic nervous system.

It can make you feel incredibly connected to your partner. It can increase intimacy and communication in your relationship long after the scene is over.

It’s euphoric. Pain is diminished. Day to day cares fade away. Intense emotions are experienced. You may become unable to speak coherently or even move, much like an out of body experience.

This is one of the things that subs live for. This beautiful amazing space where they are completely and totally free. 

It’s a surrendering of the body and the mind, a bearing of the soul. It’s letting someone in, in the most intimate way imaginable.

You have to have complete trust to enter subspace, otherwise, you’ll never be able to let go. You also have to have a dom that knows how to take you there.

This isn’t some ritual or script that’s followed. It stems from your connection to each other. The other person knowing your limits and cues.

It also requires that the dom know the subs limits and watches them closely, because they may not be able to use the safeword. Since pain is diminished, they may not be aware they need to use it either.

Physiological vs Psychological Subspace

Physiological subspace is generally induced through inflicting pain as well as having the sub submit. The pain releases endorphins and adrenaline in the body, creating a high similar to that of drugs.

Clearly, psychology plays a role here too, however. After all, if you were walking down the street and someone started spanking you with a belt, you probably won’t find it pleasurable, much less enter subspace.

So the physical reactions combined with a desire to submit and please your partner combine to create physiological subspace.

Here’s the thing though:

Did you know that there’s a psychological subspace as well?

That’s right, you can enter subspace without any physical interaction at all. 

This is called psychological subspace. It can happen by simply being around certain doms or even talking through voice, video, or text.

It very closely resembles physiological subspace. You may not go as deep into subspace, but it can still be an extremely powerful feeling.

You may feel intoxicated, have a hard time thinking, and even experience physical sensations like tingling, chills, or shaking.

If you find this hard to comprehend, consider this. Our largest sex organ is:

The Brain.

Particularly for women. In fact, women have been shown to be able to reach orgasm without any physical stimulation at all, so it stands to reason that its possible to enter subspace without a physical component.


The physical effects felt by both the sub and dom including endorphins and dopamine are partly responsible for the feelings euphoria that’s felt. However, once the scene ends, these “happy” chemicals can drop off sharply.

This can cause feelings of alienation and even depression. This is one of the reasons why aftercare is important. It helps to ensure that both parties reach a healthy mental state.

Depending on the type of scene, aftercare may include tending to any physical damage caused during the scene and/or emotional support.

If there is any type of first aid needed, including simply tending to cuts and bruises, this should be a part of aftercare.

However, emotional support should always be included in aftercare. Cuddle, tell them what a great job they did. Talk about what you enjoyed the most.

Aftercare is extremely important for both parties, though its value for tops is often overlooked. It should be a priority, not an afterthought.

BDSM and Meditation

Are you wondering what BDSM could possibly have to do with meditation? Did you know that the states experienced by subs and doms during a scene are actually a form of meditation?

The most popular form of meditation in the West is mindfulness meditation. Instead of trying to clear your mind of all thoughts, you focus on one thing. Your breathing, your heart rate, etc.

This allows you to enter a state of calm and tranquility. Daily cares fall away and your mind becomes quiet. You can gain insights into yourself as your conscious mind quiets and your subconscious mind can be heard.

There are many benefits of meditation, including experiencing more happiness, less stress, and a healthier body.

Not everyone is cut out for sitting in one place and focusing on breathing. The good news is, there are other ways to achieve the same state.

In fact, anytime you focus intensely on one thing and let everything else fade away, you are entering a meditative state.

According to the Mayo Clinic:

Meditation produces a deep state of relaxation and a tranquil mind. During meditation, you focus your attention and eliminate the stream of jumbled thoughts that may be crowding your mind and causing stress.

When you engage in BDSM and enter topspace, you are completely focused on what you are doing. This is a form of meditation similar to driving a racecar or rock climbing.

When you enter subspace, you are able to completely let go. Your only focus is what’s going on in the present moment. The feelings, the sensations. There is nothing outside of the beautiful present that you are experiencing.

This is also a form of meditation. It’s similar to being in nature and just focusing on what’s around you. Feeling the sun, hearing the birds. Floating in the ocean and focusing solely on the sensation of being suspended in the water.

BDSM Resources

If you are just beginning in BDSM or considering trying it, the more you know the better. It’s an extremely complex topic, and one you should be educated about before bringing out the whips and chains.

Here are additional resources if you would like to learn more about BDSM.

Blog Posts:

Daddy Fetish

Edge Play: Pushing all the Limits

Planet Climax

BDSM Podcasts

Perverted Podcasts

Kuldrin’s Krypt

BDSM Educational Videos

24 Hours in a BDSM Dungeon

Dominance and Submission Basics

BDSM Social Networking






Extreme Restraints


BDSM Daily Post

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