You and your partner broke up, and that freedom you thought you would enjoy quickly turned to misery. You quickly realize just how true the saying “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” really is. You miss them, and you want them back. So whatès the answer on how to get your ex back?
Family and friends may tell you that you shouldn’t. That they are your ex for a reason. Ironically, they have probably done so themselves at some point as well.
Nearly half of all couples that split up get back together.
This is good news for two reasons. First, it means that splitting up and getting back together is perfectly normal. Second, it means that the odds of being able to get back with your ex are fairly good, considering how often it happens.
How to Get Your Ex Back
If you are considering getting back with your ex and wanting to know how to get your ex back. There are likely lots of questions swirling through your mind. It’s time to find the answers to them. There are four “big questions” on how to get your ex back. These are:
- Should You Get Back Together
- Can you get them back?
- What are the most common mistakes
- What are the steps to get them back?
Should You Get Back Together?
Breakups are an emotional roller coaster. It can be hard to see your relationship clearly in the best of times, but things are even more confusing right after a break up. The best thing is to take a little time to heal and sort out your thoughts and emotions before you even begin to answer this question.
Assuming this was a thought out break up, and not just a fight that led one of you to say something you regret, you should wait 1-2 weeks before you try to answer this question. This gives you time to clear your head and examine how you really feel about things.
The first question you should ask yourself is “why?” Why do you want to get back together with them? Take some time and give this some real thought. Reasons that suggest you should consider getting back together with them are:
- You genuinely miss them and what you shared together
- You love them
- You feel like the two of you could make a relationship work given a second chance
- There is something about them that makes it impossible for you to let go
- They add something special to your life
When something happens, they are the first person you want to call. You find yourself missing the conversations you had and the things that you shared. You know you are ok on your own, but your life is simply better with them in it. You feel a special connection with them that you know would be difficult to find with anyone else.
There are also wrong reasons for getting back together. These include:
- You are lonely
- You are afraid you won’t find another relationship
- You want to avoid the pain of the break up
- You don’t feel like you will ever be happy again without them
You’ll notice that the reasons why you shouldn’t get back together have one thing in common. Desperation. Being desperate makes it harder to get your relationship back, and if you do, it will never be equal. They won’t respect you. You’ve sent them a message that says “I need you in my life so much that i will do or put up with whatever it takes to keep you there.”
Everyone experiences these feelings at some point when they break up with someone they care for. However, these feelings should not be your motivation for wanting to get back together. In fact, if these feelings are overwhelming you, you’ll need to wait before you consider getting back together.
Questions to Ask Before You Decide You Want to Get Back Together
- Why did you break up
- What has changed since you broke up
- How was the break up
- Do you see a future with them
- Do the pros outweigh the cons
- Are you willing to move past the past
- Are you ready to make a commitment
Why did yo break up in the first place? Was it in the heat of the moment because you were fighting? Did you take each other for granted? Or was it something more serious.
If it was due to physical or emotional abuse or if the relationship was toxic, going back isn’t a good idea. People very rarely reform from these behaviors. If it was lying or infidelity, consider carefully. Have they really changed? How do you know?
What has changed since your break up? Keep in mind actions speak louder than words here on both sides. How have the two of you changed? Will it help make your relationship stronger? Will it prevent some of the problems you had when you were together?
How did you act towards each other when you broke up? Was there more hurt caused post break up then there was in the relationship? Breaking up can bring out the worst in us. The things you said or did to each other can be hard to get past.
Do you see a future with this person? When you think about your life 10 years from now, do you see them in it? Do your plans and goals for the future line up in a way that this is a reasonable possibility?
Make a list of pros and cons. Do they add more to your life than they take away? Do they bring you more happiness than they do pain? Is your life actually better with them in it?
Can you get past the past, including the things that happened when you were apart? There’s no point in getting back together if you are going to bring up things that they did to you or people they dated while you were broken up.
At some point, you will need to talk about the past, but it should be focused on fixing your issues. Once you’ve talked about it, let it go.
Are you willing to make a commitment? I’m not saying that the ideal way to get back with someone is to propose, but you should be prepared for a deeper level of commitment if you are the one trying to get someone back. If the breakup “opened your eyes” to how much you want to be with them, it’s only natural for you to be more committed.
Can You Get Them Back
If you want to get back together with your ex, the next question is how to get your ex back? Obviously, some situations are easier than others, and in some cases, it’s unlikely they will come back. No one can guarantee you will get your ex back, but there are ways to tell if the odds are in your favor.
Signs Your Ex Will Come Back
There are some signs that suggest your ex will come back to you. These are:
- They talk about the past
- They keep in contact
- They still have things at your house
- They experience strong emotions around you or talking about you to others
- They stay single
- They act out by partying, sleeping around, etc.
- They change their behavior
- They like or comment on your social media posts
If they bring up your past together with you or others, it means they are still thinking about when you were together. It doesn’t matter if they only talk about the bad things you did. It still means they are thinking about you and haven’t moved on yet.
If they keep in contact, there’s a good chance that they want you back. This doesn’t just mean having conversations with you. Many times they will have a “reason” to contact you, but really it’s just an excuse to talk to you. The same goes for “accidentally” running into you. They likely miss you, even if they aren’t willing to admit it.
If they still have things at your house, it’s likely because they still care. There’s a finality to picking up your things that means it’s “really over”. If they still have stuff at your place, things are still unfinished between you, and they haven’t really moved on.
If they experience strong emotions around you or when you come up in conversation, it means they still have feelings for you. Even if they are angry, strong emotions are an indicator of strong feelings.
People stay single after a breakup for a few reasons, but one of them is certainly not being over their ex. They may also date but never let things get serious because they are still in love with you and searching for another you.
They may engage in behaviors that are out of character for them like partying or sleeping around. If this is unusual behavior for them, they are trying to get your attention, cope with the breakup, or both. Either way, they still care about you.
They may change their behavior for the better. If you notice that they stop doing things that really bothered you or begin to work on issues that caused problems in your relationship, this is a big clue that they want you back.
If they like or comment on your social media posts, they want you to know that they are still interested in what’s going on in your life. Even if they aren’t speaking to you, they are telling you that they still care. They want you to know they are still thinking about you.
Can You Get Your Ex Back Quizzes
Quizzes can give you a good idea of how to get your ex back as well. Again, there’s no guarantee, but they can certainly give you a better understanding of your chances of winning your ex back.
- Can I get my ex back? Great quiz for men and women with detailed results
- Can I get my ex back, or are they gone forever? Quick quiz that lets you know exactly what your odds are
- Will we get back together? This quiz takes your behavior and your exs behavior into account
The Most Common Mistakes
Most people tend to do what feels right. Follow their instincts. However, they will nearly always steer you wrong when it comes on how to get your ex back. In fact, all of these mistakes stem from the biggest mistake of all.
Following your instincts and emotions.
Have you ever heard that to succeed in a relationship, particularly courtship, you have to do the opposite of what you feel you should? We are taught from an early age to go after what we want, often with reckless abandon. When it comes to love, this force is very strong. Driving us to chase after what it is we feel we need so desperately. However, the answer often lies in stopping the chase completely, and finding what we need within ourselves.
As humans, we have a deep need to be needed as well as wanted. In a healthy relationship, these two things are in balance. We feel needed and desired. We are made to believe that a woman’s greatest need is to be needed, when in truth, a woman’s greatest need is to be desired. Too much neediness will make a woman feel smothered. She will lose respect for the man and stop being attracted to him.
The secret here is to make a woman feel desired and wanted more than needed. When you see a woman who is radiant and glowing with love, she is actually glowing because she feels intensely desired by her partner.
What does this have to do with looking desperate? Desperation translates to neediness, and it’s never attractive. This is one of the reasons for the no contact period. After a break up, when you miss them intensely, you will feel desperate. You can act like everything is great. Simply text them to ask how they are doing. But if you feel desperate, it will come through regardless of how cool you try to play it.
Your instincts will tell you to reach out to them. That if they only knew how much you missed them, loved them, they would come back to you. You must ignore these instincts.
Have you ever tried to catch a dog? Maybe it grabbed something it wasn’t supposed to and ran off. Maybe you were trying to get it to come inside. You’ll find that as long as you chase them, the dog will keep running. When you stop chasing and wait patiently, the dog will come to you.
People are much the same. There is a time and a place for pursuit. the weeks following a break up, however, are the wrong time and place.
The Pity Card
This is openly showing your desperation. Saying you can’t live without them. You are miserable. You would do anything if only they would come back to you. It might work. They may feel sorry for you and get back together with you out of pity. Is that really the relationship you want? Of course not, you want them to come back because of the great relationship the two of you can share. Not because they feel sorry for you.
Any form of looking desperate will lead to “doormat syndrome”. You give up all the power in the relationship, because they did you the “favor” of taking you back. In some ways, we are all still like children who will do whatever we can get away with. When your ex gets back with you because you were desperate, you give up your ability to set boundaries.
In their eyes, you won’t go anywhere because you need them too much. You will be at the mercy of their bad behavior. This is not the equal relationship you dreamed of. You’ll find yourself doing most of the work in the relationship with minimal reward until it eventually ends in failure.
Even worse, when things end this time, you will be filled with resentment for what they put you through. Your self-confidence will be even lower. You will likely blame them, even though you tolerated their behavior because you thought it was the only way to keep them.
Steps To How To Get Your Ex Back
This is what you really came for, right? You know you want them back, and now you have a feeling they want you back as well. At the very least you think that deep down they aren’t completely opposed to the idea, and you have a chance. So, how to get your ex back? There are # steps on how get your ex back and make your relationship even stronger.
Step 1. No Contact
You may have heard of the no contact rule. This means that you have absolutely no contact with your ex. This means even if they text you or call you, you don’t answer. You don’t like their social media posts.
The one exception is if you accidentally run into them. And i mean accidental as in completely unintentional on your part, not “accidentally on purpose”. In this case, be polite but distant. Talk for a few minutes and go on with your day.
To be effective, no contact should last between 21 and 30 days. This may seem like a long time, but it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. You may be wondering if your ex will find someone else in this time. They may date, but if they are able to truly move on, then your relationship is doomed anyway.
30 days isn’t enough time to truly move on from someone you care about.
Does No Contact Work?
You may be wondering if no contact with your ex can help you get them back. The short answer is yes. Here’s why.
First, emotions run really high after a break up. The last thing you want to do is get emotional and act desperate or angry. Either could be detrimental to you getting back together.
Second, it shows them that you are ok on your own. It sends a message that you aren’t just sitting by the phone pining away for them. You are living your life.
Third, it allows you to focus on yourself. You’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the other person and the relationship. Now is the time to focus on yourself. This should be a period of reflection and improvement, and you can’t do that if you are still communicating with them. It’s also a good time to reflect on the relationship, without the influence of the other person.
This isn’t about punishing the other person. In fact, it’s not really even about making them miss you. It’s about giving yourself time to heal and recover. To put yourself first.
When you begin no contact, you may feel the need to explain. They are no longer your partner, and you aren’t obligated to explain anything to them. If you feel like you must explain, simply say that you will have no contact with them because you need to focus on yourself.
Do not make the mistake of having a conversation about it. State your reason and immediately initiate no contact. It isn’t something that’s up for debate.
Step 2. Focus On You
So what do you do with yourself for the next 21 days? You focus on yourself. This will help rebuild your self-esteem, which always takes a hit during a break up. It will make you feel better about yourself and rebuild your self-confidence. It will also make you more desirable, to your ex and potential dates.
First, cut yourself some slack. Breakups are hard. You are going to be emotional. You are going to miss them. Do things to destress. This isn’t the time to do everything perfectly. It’s the time to put yourself back together. Watch that movie you’ve wanted to see and order pizza.
Who Am I Now?
You’ll need to rediscover who you are. It’s natural when we are in a relationship, particularly a long term one, to lose some of our sense of self. “I” becomes “we” in a relationship, and much of the focus shifts to who you are as a couple, rather than an individual.
When you break up, it ‘s perfectly natural to feel that you have lost a part of who you were. You may find trying to remember who you were before the relationship, or longing to feel like a complete person again.
The good news is that recovering your sense of self will actually help you recover from the break up. Even if you plan to go back to the relationship, recovery is necessary. After all, if you are the same people you were when you split up, history is bound to repeat itself.
One of the best ways to do this is with a hobby or learning a new s kill. We put some of our own interests aside when we are in a relationship. Think about the things that you used to enjoy but then got “too busy” for. Things you always wanted to try but never got around to. Doing things you enjoy and learning new things will help you figure out who you are again.
You should also spend some time alone. Think about who you see yourself as and things you would like to change. Evaluate yourself the way you would a good friend, with honesty and love.
Stop the Negativity
Stop the negative thoughts. “It was my fault.” “I didn’t deserve them”. “I’ll never have a successful relationship.” These thoughts are normal after a break up. They are also detrimental to how to get your ex back or moving on with your life.
This doesn’t mean that you should turn a blind eye to your own faults and mistakes you made in the relationship. Acknowledge them. Do what you can to improve in these areas. And then:
Step 3. Move on
Dwelling on past mistakes isn’t going to help anyone. Instead, focus on becoming better and ensuring that these same mistakes don’t happen the next time.
Rebuild Your Confidence
The wonderful thing about improving yourself is it automatically boosts your confidence. While it’s important to work on self-improvement from a mental and emotional perspective, it’s also important to improve yourself physically. Changing your outward appearance for the better is one of the best ways to rebuild your confidence.
This can include a new work out routine, new clothes, or a new hairstyle. Spend a little extra time and money taking care of yourself, and you’ll find it’s well worth the effort.
The other advantage is that your physical appearance is probably the first thing that your ex will notice when you see them again. Looking better than you did when you were together is about more than physical attractiveness. It sends the message that you are ok without them. That you are going on with your life and making positive changes.
Find a Distraction
Are you overwhelmed with missing your ex? Do you find that the more you try not to think about them, the more you can’t get them off your mind? One method of dealing with this is to keep busy. Do new things. Pick old hobbies back up. Spend more time at work.
However, none of these activities will help when its 1 am and all you can think of is picking up the phone. You need another type of distraction. You need someone else to occupy your thoughts. It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean a rebound relationship or a string of one night stands. It isn’t permission to lead someone on to make yourself feel better.
It may be a crush on someone at work with a little harmless flirtation. It may be fantasizing about your favorite celebrity. It may even mean going on dates. Just be up front about the fact that you want to keep things light and fun.
You don’t just want your ex back. You want to get things right this time around. Come back together better and stronger. At the most basic level, respect is how you do so. Nearly every relationship problem, at its core, can be attributed to a lack of respect for yourself or the other person.
When we respect someone, treating them well comes naturally. We are honest, caring, thoughtful. When we respect ourselves, we expect to be treated with respect and don’t settle for less.
Psychology Today defines the sort of respect necessary for a healthy relationship beautifully.
Love without respect is dangerous; it can crush the other person, sometimes literally. To respect is to understand that the other person is not you, not an extension of you, not a reflection of you, not your toy, not your pet, not your product. In a relationship of respect, your task is to understand the other person as a unique individual and learn how to mesh your needs with his or hers and help that person achieve what he or she wants to achieve.
If you’ve followed the first two steps, you should have a healthy sense of self respect. Before you move on to contacting your ex, be sure that you are willing and able to treat them with respect as well.
This means letting go of any resentment and anger you may have towards them. It also means viewing them as their own person with their own needs and desires that are just as important and valid as your own.
Step 4. Reconnecting With Your Ex
If you’ve followed the first three steps properly, the good news is that the hard part is actually over. You’ve decided that the relationship is worth another chance for the right reasons. You’ve had time to focus on yourself and heal some of the wounds of the break up. You’ve gained self confidence and perspective. You’ve found a healthy respect for yourself and your ex.
If you aren’t ready, then wait. You should only reach out to them when you are emotionally healthy and stable enough to do so. Think about when you first got together. What were you like? How was your confidence? Your attitude? If these things aren’t as good or better than they were when you first met, it’s too soon. Reaching out before you are ready will only undo the progress you have made.
Assuming you are ready, now it’s time to make contact with your ex again, and get them to come back to you.
The simplest way to begin to reconnect is with a text message. Do not open with “I’ve missed you” or “I love you”. In fact, don’t bring up the relationship at all. Don’t ask how they are doing either. Sure how they are should matter to you, but have you ever had someone ask you that and not want to answer them? Your first priority is to reestablish contact, and that means saying something that they will want to respond to.
Keep things light and friendly. “guess what i just found out” or “you’ll never believe the (great, funny, exciting) thing that happened to me the other day”. These are the sorts of messages that people want to respond to, and it won’t make them feel pressured either.
Once you’ve exchanged a few messages, then ask them what they’ve been up to lately. For now, keep it to what they have been doing instead of how they’ve been doing. In the 3-4 weeks since you’ve talked, they should have some exciting news or experience to share. This keeps the focus on the positive, instead of how they’ve felt since your break up.
Do not ask if they are seeing anyone. Do not mention relationships period.
Have a short light conversation. Tell them you enjoyed catching up. Don’t force the conversation to keep going. In many cases it’s best to end the conversation and give them some time to process being in contact with you again.
Once you’ve texted for a day or two, give them a call. Chat for a few minutes, and ask them if they would like to get together. At this point things should still be light and friendly. Do not ask them to get back together over the phone. Don’t even call it a date when you ask them out.
“I’d like to see you. Would you like to get coffee?” is a good start. You don’t want them to feel that accepting your invitation means rekindling the relationship. Going out together is your opportunity to show them how you have changed. Your first meeting should be friendly and casual. Keep it fun. Let them remember how much the two of you used to enjoy simply being together.
Assuming things go well (and why wouldn’t they), before you part ways ask them if they would like to go out on a date with you. Tell them that you would like to talk about things. It’s ok to say that you’ve missed them or think about them often at this point, but don’t go to far. Let them know that getting back together is something you would consider. Do not pledge your undying love. At least not yet.
It’s important that they understand that getting back together is something you think about without feeling pressured for things to come to that conclusion. Leave the door open for reconciliation. Do not try to push them through it.
You’ve been communicating. You’ve spent a little time together. They’ve even agreed to go on a date with you. You should both be having positive feelings about things, and remembering the good times you shared together. However, there are bound to be some nagging questions. Have they really changed? Will things be different this time? Do they have a clear understanding of what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future?
This date is the time to have this conversation. You’ve both had a bit of time to prepare for it and consider what you need to say. Talk about whatever you need to talk about to resolve issues and show that the relationship will be better this time around. Apologize for any mistakes that were made.
If your ex agreed to meet you for a date, you can rest assured that they want to take you back. talk about what happened and why it won’t happen again. Say anything that needs to be said about the past. Once you are done, agree to let it go. This means you do not bring it up again. You’ve moved past it. It’s no longer relevant.
The same applies to anyone either of you have seen while you were split up. Simply agree not to talk about it. There’s no good to be had by talking about your dates with other people.
Romantic Gestures: Yes or No?
Are romantic gestures a good idea on how to get your ex back? The answer is both yes and no. If you are thinking rom-com magic moment grand romantic gesture, i hate to break it to you, but…
They Usually Dont Work.
That’s not to say all romantic gestures are a bad idea. the key is timing and not overdoing it. It’s best to wait for your date or right before your date. Bring flowers to your date. Send a romantic love letter in the mail so that it arrives before your date. Send them a song that makes you think of them or your relationship.
The key is to pick one thing, two at the most. You don’t want to overwhelm or pressure them. You shouldn’t expect romantic gestures to be what brings them back either. Think of them as icing on the cake. A complement to what you are doing to get them back.
Consider what you would have done to be romantic very early in your relationship. This is the level you should be at.
The exception here is if there was a big commitment issue. If they really wanted to get married or have a more committed relationship and you didn’t, a larger gesture may be in order. You don’t have to propose (unless you want to), but a romantic gesture that shows you are ready for a deeper level of commitment may be what brings them back.
Be careful here, though. Before you do this, be sure that they want and are ready for the level of commitment you propose. if they aren’t you will just push them away.
Be sure to keep it “romantic”. Whatever gesture you choose, it should be about creating feelings of romance, not pressure. Your intention goes a long way here. Be sure to do it with the intention of simply making them smile and hopefully rekindling those feelings of romance.
Never use a romantic gesture as some sort of obligation. Even if you don’t say it, an attitude of “I did this for you, so you have to take me back” will only push them away.
Still have questions about specific things? It’s time to find the answers.
- My ex is dating someone else. Are they gone for good?
- Should I date during the no contact phase?
- What if i have to see them?
- What if they contact me?
- I can’t stop thinking about them. What do i do?
- What is the number one most important thing?
My ex is dating someone else
The love of your life has moved on and seems to be happy with someone else. At this point you probably want to do one of two things. Either give up completely, or try to steal them back. Many times, the best thing you can do is simply wait. This is the biggest fear with the no contact rule. You stop talking to them and they move on to someone else.
If they start a new relationship in the weeks right after your break up, it’s most likely a rebound relationship. they may appear to be very happy, and the relationship will move very fast. However, what they are really doing is trying to fill the hole that you left. These relationships are like a raging fire, intense, but they burn out quickly.
do not act jealous. Do not try to “steal” them back. Maintain occasional contact if you wish. Ask how they are doing, but do not get into detailed conversations about the relationship. You don’t want to become the friend they talk to about their current relationship, but it can be helpful to remain on good terms with them.
Should I Date During the No Contact Phase
this is personal decision. Going on a few dates can help you figure out what you really want. Just keep it casual and fun. This is your time to get stronger, and if dating plays a part in that, go for it. However, do not try to make your ex jealous by going on dates. Don’t hide it, but don’t plaster it all over social media.
You shouldn’t be ashamed of dating, but you shouldn’t broadcast it in an attempt to make your ex jealous either.
What if i Have to See Them?
What do you do if you have to see your ex on a regular basis? If you work together or have kids together, you can’t completely avoid them. If you have the same circle of friends, you are bound to run into them eventually as well. Can the no contact rule still apply?
it can. The secret is to only communicate about what you have to. You should seem upbeat when you speak with them, but not too friendly. Treat them as you would an acquaintance. Don’t go out of your way to avoid them or talk to them. Be polite, say what you need to say, and move on.
What if They Contact Me?
What do you do if they contact you during the no contact period? It’s tempting to answer, but this breaks no contact. If it’s an emergency situation, handle the situation and keep it on topic. If they keep calling or texting, send them a text explaining that you need some space to process things. Do not engage them beyond that. The last thing you want is to break the no contact rule by arguing with them about it.
I can’t Stop Thinking About Them. What Do I Do?
I know what you are thinking. i should go ahead and contact them. I can’t take not talking to them. if they knew how much i missed them, they would take me back.
Sorry my friend, but you are completely wrong. This is the absolute worst time to contact them. You will come off as desperate. you likely just want to sit on your couch and think about them, but you are going to have to do something. Once you start forward momentum, things get easier.
Find something to do. Go out with friends. Pick up a hobby you’ve neglected. Take a class. But you must drag your butt off the couch, change out of your pjs, go out, and do something.
What is the #1 Most Important Thing to Do?
The biggest and most important thing that you can do is accept that it’s over. You’ve got to be ok with it being over permanently. It’s ok to want them back, but you should be ok with moving on to. If you approach them with a “i can’t live without you” mindset, you will only seem needy and push them away.
Yuu should view the relationship as something of value that you would prefer not to give up. Not as something that is essential to your long term happiness or your existence.
In most cases, you can get your ex back if you really want to. The key is to follow the advice given here. The four big questions and answers and the four steps are the key to getting your relationship back. they will also make your relationship stronger the second (or third, or fourth, judgement free zone) around.
Should you get back together:
Examine your reasons and motivations. Be sure that you want them back for the right reasons.
Can you get them back:
Take the quizzes and look for signs that they are open to rekindling things on some level
Avoid the most common mistakes during the break up. they all come from a sense of desperation.
Steps to on How To Get Your Ex Back:
Follow these four steps to get your ex back and have a stronger relationship.
Step 1: No Contact
At least 3 weeks of absolutely no contact with your ex. If you need more time, feel free to take as long as you need.
Step 2: Focus On You
take this time to focus on yourself. improve yourself mentally and physically.
Step 3: Respect
Be sure that you’ve developed a healthy respect for yourself and your ex before you move forward.
Step 4: Reconnect With Your Ex
Slowly reinitiate contact with your ex, and bring them back to you.