The single life is the good life: no nagging partner, no commitments, no hectic schedules, and most of all, no in-laws. You live on your own terms, doing only the things that you want to do, when you feel like doing them.
Many people worldwide are leading full and exciting existences as perpetual bachelors. In fact, some of them have taken this to the extreme and made a vow never to get married or enter into a lasting relationship, using only girls for sex or companionship when the need arises. Why not live a hedonistic and pressure-free lifestyle like this forever?
How to Get a Girlfriend
The answer is simple: human beings are wired to seek something greater, especially in relationships. The thrill of casual sex with uncaring partners soon wears out for many and never catches on for a few. When your dating life starts to resemble a factory lineup, the artificiality of going out with a thousand faceless women does nothing to fulfill the deep cravings of the soul. Too philosophical? Maybe, but when the wisest man who ever lived (a guy who had 700 wives and 300 concubines, mind you) said that all things under the sun is a “chasing after the wind”, he was speaking the truth. The bottom line is that quality is always better than quantity. As cheesy as it sounds, the only ideal that can bring you deep fulfillment is the only ideal that both religion and rock and roll agree on: love.
Fine. But now comes the hard part: how exactly do you find love and how to get a girlfriend?
Taking moral inventory – a girlfriend is not an antidote for your insecurities
Before embarking on this noble quest to find “the one”, you need to make sure that you’re looking for a romantic partner, not a mother. Many men lead lives of deep depression, anxiety, shyness, aggression, avoidance, and general low self-esteem. Rather than work on their own problems or seek the help of a professional psychiatrist, they project all their hopes and dreams on finding a woman who will miraculously heal them of all their inner aches and pains.
While the power of women to motivate men is undeniable, they are not miracle workers. Men who seek relationships in order to patch a gaping hole in their psyche aren’t really looking for a girlfriend, they’re looking for a mommy. They want someone to coddle them and tell them that the scary monsters out there won’t hurt them, at least not while mom is around. Frankly, this is pathetic, and you may be thinking this doesn’t apply to you, but be honest: are you looking for a girlfriend because you want to share your self-confidence and well-being with her, or are you looking for a girlfriend because you’re insecure and you see her as the solution to all your problems?
If it’s the latter, then forget about dating and women in general. Rather, focus on solving your weaknesses and growing your strengths first. A relationship is not something where you take resources from the other person in order to feel good about yourself; it’s about giving your own treasures and finding joy in sharing them with your significant other.
Personal development is outside the scope of this article, and frankly, there are many resources out there to help you overcome your own inner challenges. From this point forward, the assumption is that you have a generally healthy self-image but are simply unsure about how the dating process works. If this is already the case, then fasten your seatbelts, because the fun part is about to begin.
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND PART ONE: BEFORE THE FIRST DATE
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND STEP ONE: PICK SOMEONE WHOM YOU FIND PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE
The mating dance begins, of course, with the superficial stuff. Despite what was said earlier about transcendental love and whatnot, the primary drive that convinces us to search out a mate in the first place is our desire to find the best genetic qualities through which we propagate our offspring. Translation: she needs to be hot.
This is not to say that love isn’t important; it just means that love doesn’t come first. Think about it for a second: how much time does it take to get to know someone so well that you’re willing to commit your whole life to them? Decades. In fact, all the people whom you really love – family, friends, and relatives – are people whom you spent years in close proximity with. Love takes time to fully grow and develop, but if love were the primary trigger in attraction, then our species would have died out long ago. We need something that is fast and furious, something that causes males significant motivation to work up the courage to go talk to a girl upon first seeing her. This something is physical beauty.
Physical beauty can take many forms. Society usually sets a certain standard based on the largest number of males that find some particular trait attractive. In the modern world, a woman is considered hot if she has the following features: large breasts, wide hips, slim waist, toned muscles, symmetrical face, fair or tanned skin, white teeth, and no deformities.
Many men naturally gravitate towards these women, but the good news is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What this means is that you can pick whomever you want, even if that woman does not fall within the typical standards set by society. For example, there are those who find small breasts more attractive than large breasts. A few men prefer chubby girls compared to thin girls. Some stay far away from city-dwelling Caucasians and would rather go abroad for that “exotic” look. The thing is, it doesn’t matter who you like, as long as you find her gorgeous according to your own subjective tastes.
Potential setbacks to step one
These are the pitfalls that you will encounter concerning this first step. Avoid them at all costs:
- She’s out of my league – this is also known as the “settling for less” mentality. Most men will be naturally drawn towards a woman whom they find physically attractive, but because of fear and anxiety, they will convince themselves that they don’t have a chance with her. They will find a less attractive girl that poses little threat to their ego and approach her instead. This is the complete death knell of any relationship. Even if you manage to make the second woman your girlfriend, your thoughts will forever wander towards that first woman whom you let go; your consolation girlfriend will never measure up to the standard, because she couldn’t meet it in the first place. A woman can also sense if a man just “settled” for her, causing irreparable damage to the bond that you share. She needs to be number one in everything or else it won’t work down the road, and this includes physical beauty. Do not settle for a lesser chick.
- Vague preferences – another setback to step one is lack of clarity in what you want. You may think that attraction is spontaneous, but sometimes fear can cloud your judgement, and your interests can become skewed. In order to prevent this from happening, you need to sit down and think, maybe even make a list, of all the physical qualities that you find desirable and undesirable in women. If you like large breasts and dislike small ones, for example, make a mental note and only seek out women who have the right bust size. This might seem shallow, but it will prevent a lot of headaches later on. If you do not follow your preferences and end up with a girlfriend who has small breasts, you will constantly be wishing she had bigger ones. When women with large breasts pass by, you will ignore her and gawk at them. All of this will have their deleterious effects on the relationship and will eventually lead to a breakup. From the beginning, you need to find every part of her sexually exciting so that no other woman can ever distract you, so choose right.
- The perils of perfectionism – With that said, however, the final pitfall you need to watch out for is perfectionism. Let’s face it: there’s no woman in this world who could ever fulfill your fantasy of the perfect girl. There will be some aspects of her beauty that will not enamor you, and sometimes compromise is necessary. This does not mean to say that you should settle for less. What this means is that you should set your standards closer to reality. For example, if your ideal woman is Jessica Rabbit, it may be next to impossible to find someone with those kinds of measurements. Instead, what you can do is look for someone who goes to the gym regularly and keeps herself in tiptop shape. Even if she doesn’t have Jessica’s waist-to-hip ratio, she’s going to come pretty close, and that’s a dream girl that anyone can achieve.
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND STEP TWO: APPROACH HER AND DISTINGUISH YOURSELF FROM OTHER MEN
“There’s just something about him.”
That line, uttered by every girl who has ever fallen in love, is all you need to know to find out what makes women tick.
Once you’ve done step one and discovered that special someone who makes your heart race and your pants shrink, you need to return the favor and attract her in turn. Women, however, are not the same as men; they don’t find physical beauty all that important. That’s not to say that they don’t appreciate a good set of abs or a rugged face, but unlike men, good looks are secondary to them. What a woman finds most attractive is intrigue.
Intrigue simply means demonstrating a personal skill or trait that sets you apart from all the other men who are interested in her. With this definition, you can see that anyone – even a guy who’s short, bald, and poor – can attract girls provided he is able to give them a one of a kind experience. There are many pitfalls to watch out for, but first let’s see why intrigue is so appealing.
Why is intrigue so appealing?
Women are approached all the time, especially attractive women; when a girl reaches 20, scores of men have probably hit on her throughout her short life. Pretty soon, all their respective antics start to blend with one another. She begins to see patterns that guys frequently use, and they become boring. For example, a standard approach is the “Can I buy you a drink?” routine. This routine has been done to death, and if you try it on anyone nowadays, that person will just roll her eyes and dismiss you no matter how good looking you are. Once you are labelled as predictable, you’re out of the game. If you doubt this, then try buying a random woman a drink. They will either take your money and give you nothing in return, or else shut you down faster than a Microsoft computer.
The reason why men search the web for good “pick-up” lines is because they want to utter something so unique that the girl will think he’s the cat’s pajamas. This is also the reason why women flock to rock stars when they enter a building; just by virtue of being a rock star, the man has already set himself apart from the hundreds of average Joes surrounding him. If, however, the room were filled with rock stars, then he would just be another face in the crowd, and the groupies would disperse.
The good news is that you don’t need to be Axl Rose to demonstrate intrigue; anyone can do this with enough patience and imagination. Here are just a few techniques:
- Humor – a powerful tool for the common man. If you can make a girl laugh with ease, she’ll put you at a higher rank above other guys, instantly increasing your chances of securing a date with her. Furthermore, self-deprecating humor can demonstrate that you’re confident enough to make fun of yourself. Be careful not to turn into a dancing monkey, though; guys who make girls laugh and have nothing else to offer can quickly devolve into a desperate entertainer. You’re not a standup comedian, so use laughter only as an entry point to deeper and more amusing conversations.
- Skills and talents – Have you ever seen a teenager play a mean bass guitar? Or maybe a singer belt out November Rain in a smooth, manly voice? Women flock to these guys like flies to garbage because they have demonstrated skills that set them apart from the general male population. This applies not just to musical aptitude, but to other, more practical talents as well. For example, demonstrating mechanical wizardry by miraculously resurrecting a girl’s dead car by the side of the road is an excellent opportunity to show intrigue. The question “How did he do that?” will pop into her mind, making you more alluring. Fixing a car has become such an overused trope in romantic comedies for one reason: it works.
- Clothing and accessories – a technique developed by famous pick-up artist Mystery is peacocking. Simply put, peacocking is a manner of dressing that uses odd items to give you a unique look. For example, you might wear goggles, paint your nails black, don a beaver hat, etc. This is just another means of using intrigue by floating the question “Why is he dressed like that?” in the girl’s mind. Please note that peacocking is not putting on random clothes so you resemble a clown; you still need to look good at the end of it all!
- Smiling – despite what some studies may tell you, walking up to a girl all grouchy like James Bond will not attract them. On the other hand, a genuine smile that does not show any fear and is open to rejection can warm even the most callous heart. You can tell if a smile is genuine if the eyes of the person are lighting up as well; a fake smile is constrained only in the mouth. Taking down a woman’s defensive shield is as easy as showing your pearly whites, so smile often.
- Quirky hobbies – sometimes, what society deems a weakness can be turned into a strength. For example, comic book nerds will often try to hide their true passion and feign interest in more manly things like heavy metal and football. This comes across as disingenuous. Rather than shy away from your hobbies, use it in your favor. Since practically no man would admit to collecting Barbie dolls, for example, owning this hobby and being proud of it, even in the face of ridicule, can signal tremendous security and self-worth (just make sure you don’t go overboard). What’s more, women will be intrigued and may even want to join in on your fun.
These are just some of the techniques that you can use. Remember, the key in accomplishing step two is to set yourself apart from the other male competitors. Intrigue, just like beauty, is not meant to be the sole foundation of your relationship; it is only a quick step that evolution has brought about so that the woman finds enough motivation to talk to you.
Potential setbacks to step two
Sometimes, intrigue can fall flat. You need to watch out for these mistakes and avoid them at all costs:
- Being different for the sake of difference – every action you take must be in line with your true nature and character. If you take on a persona that does not match your inner self, you will come across as a poser, and no one likes posers. Furthermore, pretending to be someone you’re not takes a huge toll on your energy. One sign of adolescence is the lack of self-identity, therefore putting on a fake self makes you come across as childish.
- Mistaking creepiness for intrigue – intrigue is not a synonym for creepy. A creepy person does indeed differentiate himself from the rest of his peers – in a bad way! Behaviors such as leering, groping, rudeness, or stalking is sure to set you apart from the rest of the male crowd, but it will arouse danger, not sex. Intrigue is supposed to elicit feelings of attraction, but it also needs to be in line with common standards of decency. Always make sure your behavior comports with the laws of the land and human kindness in general.
- Bragging – in your desire to please women, you may resort to displaying your talents at the drop of a hat. Worse, this may come in the verbal form called bragging. Bragging is essentially using words to tell women how great you are compared to other men. This is a sure sign of insecurity. The old writing adage applies to dating as well: show, don’t tell. Furthermore, even if you can show your skills, make sure it’s at the right time and place. Just because you’re a breakdancer doesn’t mean you should drop to the floor and start spinning around in front of her. Rather, rely on more discreet methods like humor and smiling to develop intrigue, then, when the situation calls for it, you can finally strut your stuff. The effect will be more powerful when you hold it off, because by then she’ll start asking herself, “What more can this guy do that he’s not telling me?”
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND STEP THREE: WAIT FOR HER TO SHOW SIGNS OF INTEREST
The first two steps were just the rapid fire way of hooking someone’s attention, but whereas a girl knows at once if a boy likes her (the mere fact of approaching immediately displays his interest), it’s much more difficult for a boy to know whether his demonstrations of intrigue are working. Once you’ve shown off your charm, you need to step back and see if the girl is responding positively to your actions.
There are many different kinds of positive responses, but rarely does a girl outright say, “I like you.” It’s an unspoken rule of human behavior that the first person to confess their love loses the game. Wearing your heart on your sleeve never gives you the upper hand in the dating scene, so people often avoid speaking their true feelings. More importantly, outright saying, “I like you” removes all the sexual tension that has been built up, and the chemistry drops like a bag of cement. The only two places where you can confess your deepest desires are in the bedroom and in the altar. Anywhere else is just showing social ineptitude.
But now comes the problem: if neither men nor women express their interests verbally, how can they tell if they like each other? We already know that men signal their interest in the mere act of approaching. In this third step, a woman signals her interest back, and it’s your job to watch out for it. This can take two forms:
- Body language – as you are working on beguiling the woman with your humor, skills, or witty banter, notice how her body is reacting. A woman who is captivated will orient her legs in your direction, maintain eye contact, and open her posture. If she is really fascinated, her head will start to tilt or she may flip her hair, thereby exposing her neck (one of several indicators of interest that are well documented), or she will start rubbing together parts of her body, such as her hands. Finally, if she is so into you, she might just touch you in an “accidental” manner. It’s not necessary for all of these to occur, but notice at least two positive responses. If they are present, you are ready to move on to step four. However, if the woman crosses her arms, answers you in a polite but disinterested way, and wanders her gaze around the room, then you should take the hint that your performance hasn’t earned her approval. In fact, she finds you boring. You may have to try something else or just excuse yourself entirely.
- Compliments – rather than directly admitting that she likes you, a woman might go the indirect route by complimenting your appearance, clothes, behavior, etc. When she says that your tie looks good, don’t take it literally and launch into a speech about its unique fabric patterns. What she’s really saying is that she finds you charming; it has nothing to do with the tie. When you get a compliment from a woman about anything, especially if it’s paired with admiring body language, then take this as a sign of interest and move on to step four.
- Backhanded compliments – Sometimes, a woman might signal her interest in the form of an insult that’s really a compliment. For example, saying “You’re so annoying!” while simultaneously laughing is a backhanded compliment. This means that she likes you and is demonstrating her interest using fake offense to keep the sexual tension alive. Be sure to notice the difference between a real insult and a playful insult: a real insult is accompanied by palpable, negative emotion, whereas a playful insult maintains good vibes and is commonly present when young couples are teasing each other.
These indicators of interest are a woman’s way of telling you that she likes you too. After this step, both of you will know that your feelings of attraction are mutual.
Potential setbacks to step three
You need to watch out for three things when it comes to waiting for signs of interest:
- The problem with politeness – active engagement could be a key indicator that you have earned a woman’s approval. However, please be aware that many women will talk to you and laugh at your jokes simply because they’re polite; this does not necessarily mean that they have signaled their interest in you. Always take polite behavior with a grain of salt and pair it with other indicators such as body language and backhanded compliments. Politeness alone is not enough to go on, and if you mistake her friendliness for sexual attraction then you’re in for a world of surprise.
- The problem with shyness – on the other hand, a woman may be shy and give you negative signals – such as crossing her arms and turning away – even though she likes you. It’s important to discern whether someone is demonstrating low self-esteem or whether she finds you truly unappealing. The difference is subtle, so you need to rely more on non-verbal factors like tone of voice, posture, or eye contact. Shy women typically mumble or respond in phrases. They also avoid looking straight at the person they are talking to and may even slouch. All of this behavior has nothing to do with you. In fact, she may find you wildly attractive but just doesn’t have the confidence to let you know. If this is the case, then you need to step up and try to get her to relax by using non-judgmental banter and lots of light humor. At the end of the day, though, this is the woman’s problem, not yours. You may even want to consider other options; shyness is a sign of emotional immaturity that can cause problems in a romantic relationship.
- The superman mentality – you do not have the power to attract every woman. Let this fact sink in: you do not have the power to attract every woman! This means that, like it or not, some women will reject you even if you are the funniest, most intriguing guy on the planet. Every person has free will; therefore, many will exercise this free will to shut you down. Don’t be bothered with it. Heck, countless saints have been ridiculed in history, so it’s not all that surprising that a well-meaning guy is rejected in a bar. Sometimes, it’s going to be your fault, especially if you haven’t demonstrated enough intrigue to get them interested, but other times, it may be that she’s just not ready to join the dating game yet. If a woman refuses to display any interest whatsoever, take this as a part of life, excuse yourself politely, and move on.
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND STEP FOUR: CHIVALRY AND TOUCH
Chivalry and touch are two actions that should be done together, but for the sake of clarity, both of them will have their own sections.
Evolutionarily, women have a set number of egg cells with which to produce offspring. Furthermore, the complications of pregnancy are so enormous that women are virtually incapacitated when nearing birth. Her brain has evolved to make sure that the potential father of her young doesn’t scamper off and leave her to fend for herself. It doesn’t matter whether or not you use contraceptives; millions of years of biology doesn’t automatically change just because the pill was invented. For these reasons, women will naturally seek out a man who demonstrates dependability, whether or not she knows it. This is where chivalry comes in.
Chivalry used to be a code of conduct reserved for medieval knights, but nowadays it is a term used to describe the behavior wherein men protect and assist women. It is not to be mistaken for general kindness; chivalry is a specific set of actions that demonstrate your dependability as a male. A few commonplace instances are walking on the side of the road closest to traffic, opening car doors, getting in front of her when a threatening figure emerges from an alley, and so on. However, you can also display chivalry by using creative and unconventional tactics, such as the following two examples:
- Paying for the bill like an asshole – this move is demonstrated in the movie Enough Said, in which Albert (James Gandolfini) asks Eva (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) to pay for his meal because he forgot his wallet at home. Eva fishes out her purse, thinking he’s a complete jerk, at which point Albert stops her and reveals it was just a joke. He takes out his wallet and pays for both their meals while Eva is laughing. This demonstrates both chivalry and a good sense of humor, which is a killer combination.
- The claw – this move is a particular staple for those in the seduction community; it’s an advanced technique that really shouldn’t be tried unless you have the confidence to back it up. Basically, it involves taking a woman’s hand and pulling her towards you. Some go a step further and physically carry the woman in their arms while they spin around with her, reminiscent of the common posture used by the groom and bride on the way to a honeymoon suite. It might seem like a random quirk from the outside, but it accomplishes two things at once: chivalry and touch.
Chivalry doesn’t need to be an elaborate gesture. Even minor assistance (keeping a woman steady by holding her hand) is enough to pass this test. You simply need to help her in some way.
Potential setbacks to chivalry
Sometimes, chivalry can get out of hand, especially in these two cases:
- White knight syndrome – in your eager quest to prove you’re a stable man, you might end up being a white knight, which is a big no-no. A white knight is someone who has become over-the-top, predictable, and creepy in his desire to assist women. In fact, a white knight doesn’t really care about chivalry; he is using chivalry to bribe women into liking him. How do you avoid this trap? Simple: keep your mouth shut. A white knight always draws attention to himself, while a real man keeps his assistance in the subtext. For example, if you want to pull a woman towards the safe side of the road, don’t even bother telling her about it; just extend your hand, guide her inwards, and carry on the conversation as if the thing never happened. She’ll know how protective you are of her, and as long as it remains in the subtext, chivalry becomes insanely attractive. When it becomes known that you’re doing it just to gain her favor, attraction drops.
- No opportunities for chivalry – sometimes, there may be no opportunities to demonstrate chivalry. In this case, you should just make one up yourself. The two methods mentioned above are good ways of creating chivalry out of thin air. For example, you can deliberately walk on the safe side of the road just so that you can pull her in a few seconds later. There’s almost no end to this if you use your imagination. Heck, you can wipe the edge of her lip with a table napkin even if there’s no stain. At the end of the day, it’s not the circumstances that count, but the gesture.
The second part of step four is touch. As a man, you need to touch a woman first. It’s great when she does it, but it’s not something that you should count on. The ball is completely in your court when it comes to physical escalation.
Feminists often say that men should wait for a woman to give them permission before they touch her. This is absolutely true, but what they don’t mention is that a woman’s permission is often non-verbal! The biggest mistake guys make is to wait for spoken words; they really think that a woman should say “You can touch me now.” If you’re going to wait for this kind of cue, you’ll be waiting forever. That’s why it’s crucial to identify positive body language and touch her at once when you get it.
Here are some tips to help you through touch:
- Anywhere is fine – of course, this does not mean that you can grope her private parts in public. What this means is that a touch is a touch, no matter where it is. A touch on the elbow will deliver the same sexual escalation as one on the cheek. The ultimate touch is sex; two bodies are so close to each other that they begin to meld. However, you cannot have sex in public (at least not in many countries), so you need to settle for a plain touch. If you’re afraid of using your hand, use your leg or your forearm; it doesn’t matter as long as skin comes into contact with skin.
- Combining chivalry with touch – this is where the two parts of step four meet. Ideally, chivalry and touch should be done in one move. For example, rather than just opening the car door, hold her by the waist while she’s stepping out. Rather than just telling her to step to the safe side of the road, guide her in with your arm. Rather than just passing her the salt, brush your fingers on her hand when you give it. You can kill two birds with one stone this way, and the sexual escalation progresses much faster. Furthermore, the chivalrous act provides a good excuse; instead of just touching her unexpectedly – something that may come across as awkward – you can use chivalry as a pretense to initiate the touch, making the contact feel natural and spontaneous.
Once you’ve touched her, survey her reaction. A woman who is attracted to you will remain at ease, while a woman who is not will visibly cringe and tense up. Like chivalry, please note to keep touch in subtext and do not call attention to it; in other words, it is a bad move to grab her hand for all her friends to see. This is awkward. If you can, carry on a normal conversation while you casually brush your arm against hers. Not only will it seem natural, but the secretive nature of the act will excite her even more. Just like white-knighting, the more showy you make touch out to be, the less effective it is. The best seducers know that subtlety is the key.
Do not attempt to touch a woman unless she’s given you signs of interest (step three)! How many times have you seen a boy lean in and try to kiss a girl, only for the girl to pull back? Many men have been slapped with sexual harassment for failing to properly read a woman’s signals. This skill at interpreting her body language is largely instinctive and grows the more you interact with people, but even the most socially inept man has an innate competence to tell whether a woman likes him or not. It’s the same kind of natural ability that we have when we distinguish our friends from our enemies, except it’s now applied to the dating arena.
Potential setbacks to touch
There are only two potential setbacks when it comes to touch:
- Fear – get over it. As a man, you need to touch first, or else the relationship will never get off the ground. Do not wait for verbal permission. Rather, look at body language and subtle tone of voice. When all else fails, just go for a gentle touch like putting your elbow against her elbow, then watch her reaction. If she welcomes it, escalate to touches that are more intimate. If she tenses up, you can brush it off as an honest mistake and she’ll be none the wiser.
- Delaying touch – it is essential that you touch as soon as you get the approval signals from her. If you drag it on for several minutes or hours, the girl will start to feel the slack in sexual tension, and attraction will begin to slide. Worse, it will signal your amateur status as a seducer; it will tell her that you have no idea what you’re doing, and that you’re waiting for her to guide you through the process. This is a huge turnoff. Real men know when to touch. You need to push through your fear and just do it.
STEP FIVE: DEALING WITH BITCHINESS
It is at this point – when you and the girl have come to a mutual understanding of each other – that the bitchiness will show up. Many women will immediately decide to go to the bathroom and leave you hanging. Worse, they may turn around and start flirting with other men, ignoring you completely. Sometimes, it can be as simple as deciding to change tables or places, seeing if you will follow them around like a puppy dog.
This is perfectly normal behavior and should be seen as a sign that you are on the right track. The reason for this sudden shift in attitude from warm to cold is similar to chivalry, except that bitchiness allows women to test your ability to respond to threats rather than your ability to provide. Violence abounds in nature, and even though we no longer have to worry about tigers leaping out of the bushes at night, our evolution still hasn’t removed this instinctual fear. Specifically, a woman’s brain will make sure that her potential mate won’t turn tail and run when physical threats arise. Therefore, this is the last step that you will have to pass in order to completely secure a woman’s sexual attraction.
In order to succeed in this step, you have to demonstrate to the girl that you can deal with any danger. Sometimes, it may come in the form of an actual menace such as a rival male trying to steal your love interest away from you. Most of the time, however, the woman herself will become the threat. She will exhibit behavior that we colloquially call “bitchiness” in order to test you. In either case, you need to stand your ground. Here are some tips to help you weather the storm:
- It’s all an act – please remember that when a woman suddenly presents some form of unwarranted social drama, it’s all an act to test you. Don’t take it personally. The worst thing that you can do is react with drama in turn, thereby exposing you as a fraud and a weakling. Resorting to negative emotions in an effort to calm her down will cause you to fail the test. Just take things in stride and see the behavior for what it really is: part of the dating game.
- Stand your ground – no matter what happens – whether the threat is physical or in the form of bitchiness – you need to stand your ground. A man knows when it’s time to fight or walk away, but the correct answer usually lies between these two extremes. Fighting often aggravates the situation and reveals your inner insecurities. Walking away exposes you as a coward to the eyes of others. Standing your ground, on the other hand, takes the best of both worlds: you do not stoop to the level of violence, but you also show that you’re not a pushover. Even if your “enemy” is the woman herself, standing your ground tells her that you cannot be manipulated, and this is insanely attractive.
- Use positivity to counteract negativity – when intentional drama abounds, ratchet up your good energy to counteract any bad ones. If she decides to ignore you and talk to other men, for example, you can either join the conversation and make friends with the guys yourself (thereby showing her that you aren’t threatened by them), or else start a separate conversation of your own with other women (thereby showing her that you have many options). Either way, the concept of aikido applies to dating as well: use your opponent’s own momentum against them. The last thing you want to do is throw a hissy fit!
At this point, if you’ve successfully managed all five steps, you’re guaranteed to have sexually attracted the girl. As mentioned before, however, this is not the date proper. All of the above should be done upon first meeting a woman – whether in a formal or informal setting, with or without the presence of friends – and the end result should be getting her number and setting up a proper date between the two of you. If you’ve done all the steps correctly, chances are she’ll be thrilled to go on a private encounter and will readily give you her contact details. It’s now only a matter of setting up the date, but more importantly, how to behave in one.
PART TWO: DURING THE FIRST DATE
During the first date, most of the work has already been done, assuming you did part one correctly. The danger of asking someone out before you’ve had any sexual attraction is the absolute guarantee that you’re going to fail. Nothing can be more awkward than spending three hours with a person who doesn’t find you appealing.
It’s impossible to retroactively make someone like you, which is why you need to attract the woman first before you ask her out. Once you’ve done that, then it’s almost impossible to fail. Therefore, the goal of the first date is no longer to attract her, but to figure out her maturity, compatibility, and principles.
The following aren’t exactly steps, so they don’t need to be done in order, but they should all be considered while you are in the process of taking her out.
We all know that people don’t grow up psychologically at the same rate as they grow up physically. Some kids, whether due to hardship or good parenting, develop into mature persons at a rapid clip. Others stay stuck in a childish mentality even though they’ve already reached adulthood. The purpose of this section is to figure out which camp your potential girlfriend belongs.
- Sensitivity – no one likes criticisms, but the response should be appropriate to the comment. A mark of a healthy adult is the willingness to make fun of oneself from time to time. Therefore, a woman who cannot take a lighthearted joke at her expense is still an immature child on the inside. If your date suddenly turns cold when you tease her, or if she responds to your playful comments with a vicious insult, then you should see this as a red flag. Someone who is overly sensitive will not make a good partner, no matter how hot she is. Run away as far as you can!
- Neediness – on the other hand, there are those women who faint at the sound of a door closing and have to be ministered to at every instance. While you are expected to protect her as a man, she is also expected to pick up the slack when you’re not there. If a woman shows signs of relying on you too much, then she will not make a good girlfriend. Complete dependence might inflate your ego temporarily, but eventually you’ll come to resent it. A good way to test for neediness is to not reply to texts or messages at once. When she asks for an explanation, say that you’re busy. A mature woman will respect your time and privacy and will leave you alone, but a needy woman will feel that she deserves to be front and center at all times and will respond with anger or give you the cold shoulder.
- Life’s a stage – some kind of drama is useful to the dating process (such as step five when a woman tests your ability to withstand threats) but other kinds of drama are just plain destructive. It’s crucial to be able to tell the difference: a woman who goes to the bathroom and leaves you hanging for fifteen minutes might be testing your reaction, but a woman who screams at you in public is just being a bloody drama queen. When this kind of drama rears its ugly head, see it as a grave warning. You do not want to go into a committed relationship with someone as fickle as that.
- Psycho drugs – this might seem unfair, especially because some people really do have genuine psychiatric problems and require therapeutic drugs to cure them, but the vast majority of the population do not have a legitimate mental disorder. Therefore, when you find out that the woman is taking antidepressants or sleeping pills, you might want to back away quickly unless she has a valid excuse. Mature people face their inner demons with courage and strength, while immature people rely on Xanax to get them through the day. Especially in the West, psychiatric medications are so rampant that practically everyone is on something. You do not want to get involved with a woman who’s potentially unstable.
These four components are the most important traits to watch out for. No matter how physically attractive the woman is, you cannot let yourself be sucked into that quicksand; many males have been burned severely because they tangled with a voluptuous temptress from hell. Do not repeat their mistakes.
Some people just aren’t meant to be together, even if they are both mature individuals. Soulmates are supposed to feel relaxed during their interactions. If you find that your exchanges are so dull that you’d rather have a root canal, then chances are high that you are not compatible with this woman, hence she won’t make a good girlfriend. It’s neither your fault nor hers; your personalities just aren’t cut out for each other.
Here are some signs that things are going wrong:
- You can’t be yourself – sure, there may be a few rough patches at the beginning, but once someone gets going things usually lighten up. If, however, thirty minutes have gone by and you’re both still talking about the weather, something is wrong. If there is a marked unease about the atmosphere, and you feel like nothing you say or do seems to interest her that much and vice versa, then this may not be the right person for you. Think about your male buddies: you don’t come to a meeting with a prepared speech, and yet all of you can talk freely. The same should apply to your potential girlfriend. If you can’t be yourself around her, cracking your own jokes or speaking your own mind, or worse, if your true self repulses her, then she’s not the one.
- Neither of you complete each other – relationships are about growth, so each person in the relationship should challenge the other. You need to have some skills and hobbies that are alien to your potential girlfriend, and likewise for her. For example, if you are a socially outgoing person and she is an awkward homebody, then you need to help break her out of her shell. In the same vein, if she is an art connoisseur and you can barely sit still at a museum, then she can help you appreciate the intricacies of that life. In a way, the two of you should compensate for the weaknesses of the other. If both of you are weak and strong in the same areas, then you’re going to have a hard time down the road when a problem arises that neither of you are capable of solving.
Lastly, this concept is the most important of all. Both of your deepest values should align, otherwise, you can never reach a level of relationship beyond the mere physical. What this means is that your principles should match. If you are a theist and she is an atheist, for example, this will be a very rough sailing relationship. Likewise, if you are thrifty and she spends like there is no tomorrow, the friction between you will never end.
Principles are the lifeblood of every person. This is not the same as skills or hobbies that can be learned and unlearned. If your values are diametrically opposed, then one of you may have to compromise on your morals. It is much better to just find someone who has the same ethics as you rather than get into an ideological battle that can have no winners.
As we have seen, the purpose of going out on dates is not to attract the girl (that’s already been done in the first part) but to find out her maturity level, compatibility with you, and deeply held principles. If you find any of these three lacking, then you need to let her go. Do not fall into the temptation of thinking you can manage an immature, incompatible, or immoral vixen just because she has a smoking hot body. When the excitement of sex has worn off months or years into the relationship, these three things will remain. Worse, she may not let you go that easily once she’s gotten a hold of you, and the subsequent drama of a breakup can cause massive destruction in your social and even professional life. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
PART THREE: AFTER THE FIRST DATE
If you’ve done everything right, then the only action left to take is to ask her to be your girlfriend. Obviously, completing part two will take more than just one date. At the very least, assuming you go out with her once a week, it should take about three months or twelve dates before you can really get to know her. Everyone wears masks during their first encounter, so it’s essential that you take your time until the masks fall off and your true selves finally emerge.
On the other hand, don’t take too long. You should be ready to commit after three months and not a moment too soon. If you jump in the boat before this, you may miss finding out something about her that doesn’t sit too well with you. However, dragging it out longer than three months will cause her to doubt your sincerity in seeking an exclusive relationship; she will start to feel as if you’re just stringing her along for the ride.
Don’t be afraid of someone else stealing her; as long as you go out at least once a week and there’s a sense of forward momentum, she’s going to appreciate the fact that you’re taking things slow.
How do I pop the girlfriend question?
It can be as cheesy or as simple as you want. By this point, you’re probably so close that the question will just be a mere formality. Women do appreciate creative gestures, though, so at least try to make the occasion special when you ask her to be your girlfriend. Avoid dramatic public announcements, however; there is still a slight chance that she might refuse, and you do not want to be caught in an embarrassing situation in front of other people. Make the event special, but private, so that both of you will be at ease.
Where does love fit in?
At the beginning of this article, it was asserted that human beings strive to seek something greater than just casual sex. Love begins when you’ve finally committed to a relationship with a woman whom you find sexually attractive, who is mature, compatible, and shares the same principles as you do. Once this foundation has been set in place, then you have your whole life to commit to building love, which will eventually go as high as you will allow it. There is no limit to love, which is why the wisps of hookups that ultimately bore everyone seem like a shadow when compared to couples who have finally found their true selves with each other.
Start a relationship. It’s definitely worth it.