Conversation is something that comes naturally to only a few guys; there is a small subset of men that can saunter in to a crowd of girls, regale them with tales of derring-do, and grab every phone number in sight. The rest of us, however, are more likely to stutter and stumble over our words, rehashing crude lines or boring stories that everyone’s already heard at least a dozen times before. For most people, conversation is not something to look forward to, but something to be feared. This is the reason why every boy in town is searching for the ultimate pickup line, that one sentence or phrase that can strike a girl to the very core and have her hanging on to your every word. This article will guide you on how to talk to women.
Unfortunately, such a magic line doesn’t exist, so you might as well give up hopes of finding this miracle panacea and start developing your own social skills like the rest of society. So let’s get on with it. How to talk to women?
Let’s get started..
How To Talk To Women
Why converse with a woman?
Unless you have the mesmerizing body of a Greek god, the only way to attract a woman’s interest is by using words (or gestures for those with a speech impediment). This is why it is important to learn how to talk to women. Talking is the foundation of every relationship, even those that are not solely romantic in nature. Friends exchange positive emotions through talk, associates settle deals through talk, and families build their bonds through talk. Heck, even God brought the whole universe into creation by talking. Similarly, approaching a girl requires you to talk. Sure, you may be able to get her attention by physical looks and body language alone, but eventually you’ll need to communicate something lest you come across as weird.
Energy is more important than words
Before we begin the specific steps involved in conversation, note that the words themselves have little value; it’s the energy underneath those words that count. College frat boys who sit around drinking beers are having a blast not because their conversation is particularly amusing, but because of the shared positive emotions that underlie the whole group. You could be the smartest person in the room, but if you don’t have the energy to match your intellect, all of your clever lines will bomb. This is also the reason why a pickup line might work for one guy but fail for another; it’s not because the words have lost their power, but because of the person’s weak vitality when delivering it.
Therefore, do not bother checking the internet for good comments and stories. It’s better to learn how to talk to women. Chances are, they will not work for you because you have no emotional connection to them. Rather, use your own personal experiences and your natural charisma to deliver lines that mean something to you. This is always more effective than canned deliveries.
Develop your voice
Although voice is less important than the liveliness of your speech, it’s still worth your while to study your voice and develop it to its fullest. For example, if you have a nasal quality to the way you talk, this might cause the other person to find you effeminate and annoying. If you have a habit of repeating useless fillers like “um” and “er”, this can distract from your overall message and cause the receiver to tune out.
The topic of training your own vocal aptitude is beyond the scope of this article on how to talk to women. You can use many training modules out there if you wish to pursue this matter further.
Treat her like a friend, not like a boss
Finally, realize that a woman wants to be treated as an equal, not as a superior. The most successful seducers are those who tease women constantly, no matter how physically attractive they are. They are the ones who have succeeded in finding out how to talk to women. These seducers regard them as they would their male friends, hence they demonstrate that they are not affected or intimidated by feminine presence. Women find this attitude a breath of fresh air, especially after going through hordes of men that try to placate and coddle them at every turn. Unless you learn to cultivate this mindset, you are unlikely to get any success with girls.
STEPS OF ATTRACTIVE CONVERSATION
Once you are ready to approach, how to talk to women? Well, as mentioned above, there’s really not a single set of lines that you can deliver to ensure that she’s going to be attracted to you. Therefore, rather than make a list of things that sound cool, it would be better to keep these simple steps in mind and organize your strategy around them.
STEP ONE: YOUR ULTIMATE PURPOSE IS TO ATTRACT HER, NOT TO BE HER FRIEND
While it’s true that you want to cultivate an attitude of treating her as a friend as mentioned above, the specific words that you’re going to use will be different. Friendship talk is clearly not the same as romantic talk because the former does not involve any erotic intent. However, when it comes to attracting women and learning how to talk to women, you need to communicate to her that you are romantically interested. This might come in the form of sexually charged banter that you would never employ in your regular peer groups, or it could be in the way you use suggestive body language.
This sexual element will be discussed later in step seven, but for now, you need to be constantly aware that you’re ultimate goal is to get her number in order to ask her out on a date. This means that aimless, wandering conversations of the kind that you see among buddies will not suffice. Every time you feel as if you’re drifting off towards purposeless topics, remind yourself of your specific objective, and then adjust your behavior accordingly.
STEP TWO: CALM YOURSELF DOWN BEFORE YOU APPROACH
Before knowing how to talk to women, let go of any anxieties and limiting beliefs. If you are accustomed to second-guessing and mentally beating yourself up, realize that now is not the time for such things; you can do them after the conversation if you really want to, but during the talk, you cannot, in any way, be exuding an aura of timidity. Women can smell fear. Worse, they can see and hear it too: anxiety will cause you to sweat, stutter, and tense your muscles. You will also be less prepared for a good comeback when challenged. The sight of you stumbling in agony will negatively affect the woman. It doesn’t matter if you have the best jokes and stories in the world; all she’ll want to think about is how to safely reject you without hurting your feelings and prolonging the suffering.
This may be easier said than done. If simply willing your fear away were that simple, then no one would be suffering from any phobia and neurosis in this world. Of course, only a professional can cure deep-seated depression and anxiety, so if you suspect that you have a psychological problem, then you may need to visit a psychiatrist before even considering going out on dates. However, for those who are only feeling a bit nervous, here are some tried-and-tested ways to calm down.
Remaining in the present has many advantages, including the ability to think on your feet and adjust your responses in real time. Many men get tongue-tied because they keep second-guessing themselves. Every time they say something, the mind immediately tries to uncover any negative connotations within the words and phrases. This causes an increase in anxiety. Worse, it disengages them from forming a deep-level connection with the woman. When you are in the present-moment mindset, you do not allow your thoughts to wander; you are completely engaged, enjoying the conversation. This does not mean that you won’t make any mistakes, but it does mean that you won’t be affected by it so much and are quick to forgive and move on.
Although physical appearance really doesn’t have anything to do with how smooth a talker you are, it does magnify your confidence. If you dress like a slob, the odds are stacked against you from the very beginning. Like it or not, physical appearance is often the first thing that people use to judge your worth. They may change their minds later, but it will determine the way they look at you in those first crucial seconds. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by going in shabbily dressed. Not only that, a decent haircut, a shave, and a dash of cologne also works wonders. When you present yourself well, your anxiety will naturally drop because you don’t have to worry about your looks when you converse. Again, these micro tweaks won’t turn you into a good talker, but they can get you a leg up in the struggle against fear.
Studies have shown that there’s an almost synergistic relationship between fear and muscle tension wherein one affects the other. If you’re one of those guys who is extremely nervous when it comes to approaching women, you might want to consider getting a full-body massage at your local spa before going out into the town. Releasing tension in your muscles will automatically release any psychological tension as well. Furthermore, smiling is a wonderful cure all if you want a temporary, instant boost to your confidence. It is an absolute cliché to go in with a James-Bond scowl and hope to attract girls; in the real world, smiling lowers the defenses of the woman you’re conversing with and makes you appear friendly. It’s so easy to do and it’s positive benefits are so great that there’s virtually no reason not to smile when you approach.
These are just a few ways to relax, but the important thing to remember is this: if you talk to a girl and you’re obviously nervous, you can forget about getting her number; all she’ll be focusing on is how uncomfortable you appear. The only permanent solution to this problem is practice, practice, practice. Practice being around women and asking them random things like the time. Soon, you’ll be systematically desensitized to the experience and will see it as just another conversation.
STEP THREE: OPEN WITH AN INTERESTING COMMENT OR HUMOROUS OBSERVATION
So how to talk to women? While it’s perfectly fine to use “Hi” as your opening line, unless you’re able to follow it up with something that catches her interest, you’ll be left fighting an uphill battle. What all pickup lines have in common is that they are humorous and clever, designed to differentiate you from the rest of the crowd. When it comes down to it, all openers work, even the ones that are cheesy; the only reason for their failure is the flat delivery of the person using them. If you say something that is completely congruent with your personality and behavior, the woman will see you as authentic. If you say something that doesn’t match with your true-self, the woman will see you as a poser.
The lesson to remember is this: do not just pick up random phrases even if they sound cool. The only words that should be coming out of your mouth are words that you believe in. For example, one guy might use the opening line “Hi. Will you marry me?” and get a laugh, while another guy might use the same thing and get rejected. The first guy received a positive response because he has full faith in that amusing sentence, while the other guy is doing it half-heartedly. Of course, neither of these two are guaranteed a date, but the first guy at least has one foot in the door.
If you’re having trouble finding a nice opener, here are some tips:
Bring an eye-catching item or wear interesting clothes.
Having a peculiar item with you will arouse curiosity and can serve as a nice focus for the initial conversation. For example, you might paint your nails black, or have an odd-looking pair of sunglasses. These two things allow for a nice centerpiece to talk about. Most of the time, the woman will even begin the conversation herself, asking you about your unusual object or manner of dressing. The seduction gurus call this technique peacocking, because it mimics the behavior of a peacock when it spreads its feathers and displays a mesmerizing pattern of colors in an attempt to secure a mate. Take care not to go overboard, though; just one item or interesting clothing will suffice. You do not want to look like a freak show.
Come up with an opening line that you’re passionate about.
As mentioned before, pickup lines don’t work for many people because they aren’t invested enough in it. To prevent this problem on how to talk to women, come up with a line that matches your style, taking into account your own personality and sense of humor. For example, if you’re a particularly nerdy guy, a good opener might be “You look familiar. Second grade, national spelling bee tournament, semi-finals. I kicked your ass.” This might not work for many, but it will for a few. If you find the opener funny, chances are she will too. If you don’t find it funny, she won’t as well.
Any line will do.
Finally, if you’re hard pressed about finding a good opener, note that any line will do. It’s the energy that counts. Even the word “Hello” is good enough as long as there’s a twinkle in your eye. Most men who walk up to women are nervous and timid. You can use this fact to your advantage just by exuding confidence. She will find it a breath of fresh air that someone with positive energy finally approached her, and she will no longer find it that important if you open with a funny joke or not. Remember, energy and intent are everything, words are second.
STEP FOUR: ALWAYS MAINTAIN POSITIVE ENERGY
In support of the last claim above, you always need to maintain a sense of positive energy during the entire conversation and not just the beginning. If at any moment you slip and start to become nervous and afraid, the girl will notice it, and your chances of securing her phone number will diminish. Of course, it may be impossible to never feel any fear, so you’re allowed a certain bit of leeway when it comes to anxiety. However, try to diminish it as much as possible. The practice of approaching many different women will help in this regard; eventually, you’ll become used to the experience.
Another way to maintain positive energy is to avoid negative topics. Do not, at any point, introduce the following subjects:
Avoid passing any judgement on her dress, speech, race, looks, etc. In fact, avoid any judgement at all. If you say something that resembles criticism, she will likely become defensive and will rebuff your advances.
Do not complain about the weather, the surroundings, the economy, etc. You will come across as a crybaby. Furthermore, your negative comments will depress her mood.
Do not get into an argument with her. Even if she says something that you think is patently wrong, let it go. When a person’s beliefs are challenged, they will tend to double down and hate the challenger. Remember, you are talking to her because you want to ask her out, not because you want to win a debate. Likewise, if she calls you out for being mistaken or wrong about something, be quick to change the subject. Do not feel the need to explain yourself, even if you’re tempted to prove a point. Just brush the comment aside and move on.
Some subjects are just not worth getting into, especially not on the first conversation, since they can tend to inflame both parties. These topics include religion, politics, sexuality, looks, war, etc. This does not mean that you can never bring them up, but serious discussions like these need to be saved for another day.
Remember, you need to keep things playful and fun at all times. Have a cheerful sense of humor and keep negative emotions at bay.
STEP FIVE: MAKE HONEST STATEMENTS RATHER THAN ASKING QUESTIONS
Once her initial attention is grabbed, most men make the mistake of slipping into interview mode. Where do you live? How old are you? What kind of career do you have? These questions are not only boring, they feel like an interrogation. This isn’t the way on how to talk to women.Everyone, not just women, will be hesitant to divulge such personal details to a random stranger, no matter how charming or good-looking he appears.
To skirt these issues, always make statements rather than questions. For example, rather than asking “Would you like to go and get a drink?” a better reformulation would be “I’m going to get a drink and I would love it if you come with me.” The first one waits for permission and presents itself as weak-willed while the second one speaks a personal truth with authority. It will not guarantee that the girl will follow you, but it does set you apart with confidence. As another example, rather than ask “Do you have any interesting spots in your hometown?” convert it into “I can tell you have a lot of interesting spots in your hometown.” The effect is still the same; the girl will have to respond about her birthplace, but the difference is that the second expression is more welcoming whereas the first feels intrusive.
STEP SIX: AVOID DEAD AIR BY FOLLOWING THESE TECHNIQUES
The problem most men face on how to talk to women is not striking up a conversation but keeping it going. As is the case when talking with strangers, the lack of common topics dries up after some time. This is the part when most men panic and either shift to interview questions or else clam up and expect the girl to fill in the blanks for them. Neither method is appropriate for the situation. Furthermore, it sours the mood and turns the emotional charge from positive to negative.
Instead, the following tips are suggested when faced with this problem:
Employ active listening to notice topics that interest her.
There are always some key moments during the talk when the woman’s interest will spike. This usually happens when you touch upon a subject that she’s deeply invested in. By staying present-minded and employing active listening, you’ll be able to capitalize on that moment and select themes and ideas that will guarantee a response.
Focus the conversation about her.
If there is anything that people love to do, it’s to talk about themselves. Make sure that the conversation revolves mostly around her. This accomplishes a threefold response. First, you’re keeping your cards close to your chest and not revealing too much about yourself, thus heightening your intrigue. Second, it allows her to dominate and enjoy most of the talk, hence avoiding any dead air. Third, you will get to know a lot more about her than she will about you, therefore you can make better judgements about whether you want to proceed with a date or not.
Whip up a memorized story or joke.
If you cannot come up with an interesting topic or if she gets tired of talking, then the onus will be on you to introduce something new that both of you can latch on to. In this case, it’s important you have at least one or two memorized tales that you can break out at any time. This should already be practiced and tested beforehand on your closest friends. It can be about anything, and it doesn’t even need to be true.
The only requirement is that it should be lighthearted. As mentioned before, stay away from serious topics. Do not tell her about your grandmother’s funeral or how your father was diagnosed with cancer. Save these sob stories for a later date. For now, just focus on that time when you stuck a piece of corn kernel up your nose when you were a kid and couldn’t take it out.
When all else fails, sometimes a restart is necessary. In this case, tell her that you’d like to go to the bar to have a drink or go outside to get some fresh air. If she’s already interested in you at this point, she’ll agree to come along. Once outside, take a deep breath and start over. Usually, the change in scenery and the rest period during the transition is enough to jumpstart your brain to think of creative stuff.
You might even just point out something in the new environment that’s different from the old. Usually, all the dead air in the previous location will be forgotten, and psychologically both of you will feel like you can start anew.
STEP SEVEN: KEEP YOUR SEXUAL ENERGY IN YOUR GESTURES, NOT IN YOUR WORDS
Because most guys know that they eventually want to date the woman they are talking to, they immediately plaster on sexual undertones in their sentences. Unless the chemistry is so strong that both of you want to tear each other’s clothes off, you will want to avoid injecting any overt sexual imagery in your conversation. This means no crude jokes, no double entendres, or any of the like.
This does not mean, however, that you shouldn’t apply any sexuality at all. That would be even worse, because the woman might assume that you’re only talking to her because you want to make her acquaintance. You’ll be immediately lumped into the friend zone.
What you need to do is to keep things fun and playful on the surface level, but then use your body language and facial expressions to convey your romantic interests. For example, while you’re talking about your last sightseeing trip abroad, you might simultaneously keep a twinkle in your eye and a mischievous grin. Even though the overt words do not signify any sexual advances, your face and body will.
At the same time, pay attention to the woman’s own body language: is she leaning in towards you? Is she playing with her hair? Is she smirking in a seductive way? The fun part of flirting is not in the words we say, but in the gestures we perform, so make sure you ramp it up.
STEP EIGHT: KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR HER NUMBER OR WALK AWAY
At the end of it all, the conversation should only go for about five to ten minutes tops unless you absolutely feel that you can seal the deal at once. The objective is only to entice her enough so that she’ll give you her phone number and you can set up a more formal date. You might be tempted to keep chatting for an hour, especially when the conversation is getting good.
However, save your best stories for when you two can get together for a private encounter. Once again, the exception to this is when you plan to ask her out at that same moment. Most of the time, however, asking for her number after five or ten minutes of talk and then exiting gracefully is the ideal way to go.
Sometimes, though, she may not want to give you her phone number, or any other contact details for that matter. Try not to take things too personally; it may not be your fault. She may just be at a period in her life when dating is not yet a viable option. In this case, you still want to be courteous enough to say goodbye and then leave.
Most guys will press the woman to relent. Avoid this kind of behavior at all costs. There may still be a chance in the near future that the two of you will bump into each other again. In this case, leaving a good impression the first time may land you her number the next time. If you act like a jerk, then you can forget about any second chances.
Part of a grander scheme
All of these conversation skills are part of a grander framework on how to get a girlfriend. Conversation is never done in an isolated manner. If you want a thorough, step-by-step guide on landing your soulmate, you may want to refer to this comprehensive article.
Conversation may not come easy to you, but it doesn’t have to be painful either. At the end of the day, whether you get the phone number or not, it’s still a good idea to practice chatting with women and learning how to talk to women. The old advice of not talking to strangers only applies to kids; when you’re an adult male, you should make it a point to try to get to know other people at all times, especially girls lounging around the coffee house or walking down the street. Who knows, the next one you say “Hi” to might just change your life completely.