Sex is a basic human function – its natural and biological function is significant to the human species survival. It is the why and how of humanity. Why we’re here and how the future generations can be and will be.
Sex also serve other areas of human consciousness. Sex provides us with an avenue to show love. It is one of the foundations of relationships and companionship which is necessary for humans are social animals. Our lives will be made better through human connections – even if you’re the most extreme of introverts.
Sex can be a leisure activity that is highly enjoyable. It is not only functional and fundamental, but also fun. And to be honest, most of the sex the world has seen in the last 20 years or so has been geared for the sheer fun and pleasure humans derive from the act instead of procreation, as is confirmed by Noah Shpancer in this Psychology Today report.
Deborah Barrett wrote that sex has healing powers which is benefitted by people who engage in it. The whole act of having sex is actually nothing but a bevy of chemical reactions which happen simultaneously which affects different parts of our body and brain. Some of its effects include pain relief and mood enhancement.
Sex is a ritual, and no matter what our ends may be to this means, we picture it happening, in the most conventional context, between two people, intimately and passionately if not lovingly, behind closed doors. But as with other events, activities, interactions, relationships, etc. there will be deviations to what we perceive as normal.
Unusual, unconventional and deviant sexual fantasies, preferences, behavior and activities are represented by the word Kink. The term is derived from the traditional definition of the word kink, i.e. an extreme curve, a sharp twist to an object or material that is otherwise plain and straight.
In sexuality, straight refers to a cisgendered individual with heterosexual interests. That is a person who identifies their gender based on the assigned sex at birth and is attracted to someone of the opposite gender. Plain, on the other hand, indicates a traditional view of sex, vanilla and boring also comes to mind.
Kink is a concept that is just not merely cisgender, heterosexual and vanilla sex. Not be boxed by a set of pre-requisite or qualified through tick boxes, kink manifests in so many ways. It is highly dependent on each individual’s beliefs, experiences, interests, and preferences on what can give them pleasure, and further heighten the ecstasy and intimacy of each sexual encounter.
Some of these kinks is viewed by the straight and vanilla bunch of the population as taboo, or even immoral. While it is not being talked in public, in fear of the kinkier people to be laughed at, rejected, mocked or even judged, the truth remains that some people have these out of the ordinary sexual fantasies and interests, and as long as it done consensually, we say it’s all good.
So how does new-fangled kink thing work, and how do I get one? Discussed below are the most common kinks out there, and if you’re so inclined… take a peek.
Britney Spears may have unknowingly empowered a whole generation who want to be spanked with her song Hit Me Baby One More Time. Spanking is done usually just with the hands, however, spanking is a mere subset of Impact Play, which also includes permutations like Caning, Whipping, Flogging, etc. Basically the difference is the equipment being used that is handy to spank and hit with. It could be a spatula, a cane, a wooden stick, or maybe a whip, the possibilities are endless.
Spanking and other forms of impact play is shall we say your gateway drug to the world of full-on BDSM. It provides a subtle amount of pain to get you ready for more. Love Panky provides a comprehensive guide on spanking if you want it added on your kink repertoire. Here are some online spanking resources to give you an overview on what it is all about and where to get your impact play paraphernalia:
- Spanking Tube
- The Spanking News
- Best Impact Play Sex Tips | Refinery 29
- Exploring Impact Play | Submissive Guide
- Details Toys
If merely getting whipped or spanked is too tame, and one would prefer a little bit more pain for pleasure, then BDSM could just be thing needed! Here, props like rope, handcuffs, blindfold, lace and the like are needed to keep the fun flowing. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. Pain and control is central in this special kind of kink that broke it to the mainstream with the rise to popularity of the Fifty Shades Trilogy written by E.L. James, and its movie franchise.
The sexual pleasure in this setting comes from the restriction of movement and the loss of control for the one who is being tied up. Being tied up with the most delicate lace and silk scarves or heavy duty rope and blindfolded can be an exciting feeling, not knowing what will happen next and not permitted to resist whatever it is that’s coming.
For the one who does the tying up, the stimulation is in the thought of being in control. In BDSM, complete dominance is given to the one who is tying up, and the one tied up surrenders all sexual control, allowing him/her to do whatever s/he thinks will be pleasurable for him/her or both of them simultaneously.
Before deciding to try any form of BDSM, it is best to familiarize first with the rules of this particular type of kink. A high level of trust, consent and understanding is needed in BDSM scenarios where the parties are involved in power play. With the power exchange and dynamics concerned, it is highly recommended to only do this practice with someone who has had experience with BDSM, or someone you fully trust and respect and vice versa.
In this podcast episode from The Intimate Lifestyle, an experienced BDSM master dissects what happens in such sexual encounter, and even relationship. According to Master Severyn Kain, if done correctly, BDSM provides a more consensual, more trusting and respectful environment than vanilla sexual encounters.
Safe words agreed upon by the participants ensure that everyone can safely be relieved if they feel they have reached their limit of pain or pleasure. This is a feature that traditional and vanilla relationships lack. The existence of which ensures that honesty, transparency, accountability are regarded highly. Mutual respect, rules and explicit limitations offer a healthy environment which lessens power struggle between the parties involved.
Other than rope play and binding, the dominant/top/sadist uses props to restrict and inflict pain to the submissive / bottom / masochist. Suspension, tying, whipping, spanking, choking, using ball gags, wax burns, are just a few of the ways to inflict pain for pleasure. Anything that may seem painful harmful at first but actually heightens eroticism, intimacy and ecstasy is well-accepted in BDSM. A master-slave dynamic even outside the sexual encounter are also involved in prelude to the actual event.
Dana Pharant, a dominatrix and life coach shared on the podcast how the healthy sexual dynamics acquired from BDSM can be used to improve personality, relationships, and other facets of life. To safely enter a BDSM relationship, acquire BDSM props, or learn the basics of BDSM if you want to try it with your partner/s, below are some resources:
- Dominant Guide
- Submissive Guide
- KNKI: BDSM Dating
- BDSM Singles
- BDSM Cafe
- The Stock Room
- Extreme Restraints
- BDSM X Porn
Fantasy and Role Play
For any sexually active individual, there has got to be at least one fantasy setting that really gets them hot just merely visualizing about it. Just as diverse are human personalities, so are their sexual fantasies – from introverted and discreet to the most outrageous and extroverted ones (as in the case of full-out orgies).
It can be as tame as a fantasy of sex with a woman wearing red silk and lace lingerie. Then there are those whose sexual fantasies are more exotic, unique and specific. Like being in a provocative evening dressed up as a Storm Trooper and making out with another Storm Trooper – and by the way, both are women. Role play and fantasy play can just be a one time or sporadic attempt to introduce something new and re-ignite an otherwise routine sex experience to old couples, or it can be the only way to go.
Some role play ideas include dressing up as a pop culture character. Science fiction, anime, and cartoon characters come to mind. Think of it as a sexed up Halloween. Every Halloween costume made to man just exposing a significant amount of skin. Every fandom that there is out there, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, Sailor Moon, Naruto, Vampires.
There are also those whose idea of roleplay is being a baby again, wearing diapers, sucking on a baby bottle or breasts as if feeding and doing baby talk.
Then there are the cross-dressers. Gay men who are not as comfortable being flamboyant in public may find an avenue to unleash their inner butterfly through cross-dressing. This has also been observed with straight men, and all over the range of the sexual and gender spectrum.
Furries is also a thing, where people dress up as animals – cats, dogs, bears, ponies, among others. Apparently for some, going furry is a sexy and hot way to do it with an animal without going all out bestiality.
For those who are not yet ready real life role-playing, there are virtual role playing dating sites available where you get to adopt and create a character, or share those sexual fantasies and role play ideas. For some role playing resources, links are provided below:
- Soul Geeker
- Cosplay Friends Date
- Vampire Freaks
- Date a Cross Dresser
- Star Trek Dating
Threesomes, Group Sex and Orgies
In a threesome, or group sex scenario, the added stimulation comes from an additional person in the encounter. Straight vanilla sex prescribes one man and one woman, for those who are in a same sex relationship, sex is between two individuals. But sometimes, people just need extra limbs and lips to really heighten their sex drive. According to Claire Litton-Cohn of Refinery29, when there are more four people involved, it qualifies as an orgy and not a mere insert-number-some.
It maybe a couple who want to spice things up by adding one character in their intimate moments. Where to find a willing and able third party can be tricky but it can be in the form of a stranger in a bar or a friend / acquaintance who is open to the idea. It can also be partner swapping a.k.a. swinging, with maybe 4 people – 2 couples – involved. It likewise can be a group of three or four with everyone interacting with each other, touching, kissing, and everything else with everyone involved.
And then there’s those that qualify as an orgy – five or more people seeking pleasure and experimenting with each other’s bodies. If you’re interested in this type of deviant sex setting, below are resources to find people who might be interested in this set-up:
- Beyond Two | Polyamory Dating
- The Poly Life
- Poly Matchmaker
- Loving More
- Open Minded | For Open Relationships
- My Polyamory | Open Relationships
- No Strings Attached
The appeal of watching someone undress, or engage in intimate contact, without them knowing might be the force that propels the porn industry. Humans’ innate curiosity to know what other people are doing without them knowing fuels a sense of satisfaction, as if you one-upped them because you know something about them, and they don’t know about you.
Somewhat excited and titillated with what one has just witnessed, one questions if this strange fascination is a disorder or normal. Voyeurism is categorized by Mind Disorders as a psychosexual disorder where satisfaction is derived from observing sexual acts or people from a secret vantage point, among other elements of voyeuristic behavior according to Psych Central. If one is very interested in voyeurism, it is best to have a volunteer who is ok with being watched, so it is not creepy or stalker-like. If you happen to just literally accidentally witness something of sexual nature, do not engage in actions that may harm whomever s/he is spying on, or behavior that can be self-destructive or obsessive.
Voyeurism comes with the images of watching the woman who lives next-door to your apartment undress without her knowing as she left the door ajar. Maybe “accidentally” watching your neighbor having sex as they were not able to draw the shade all the way down. Here are some websites and apps to help if your kink is on the voyeur side.
On the flipside of Voyeurism, Exhibitionism is where an individual loves the feeling of being watched. They may simply flashing or display their bits in public. Some may even pleasure themselves in the thought of someone will catch them.
Some get a better high during sexual intercourse knowing they are being watched by other people who are not actively participating. There is also the dangerous pleasure from engaging in public sex where the odds of getting seen, caught, and worse, jailed are quite high. But if Exhibitionism is your cup of tea, check out these sites:
There’s so much more to sex than what is portrayed by media. Remember that one’s sexual preferences and expression of intimacy are not to be defined by anything or anyone else but you. Unleash your kinky side and enjoy the ride.