In this modern day and age, we are being bombarded every day with images of sex, quick-overnight success, and instant gratification.
It looks like the instant gratification is quickly spreading in every part of our lives. We want magic cures and magic potions for losing weight. We want to grow big and successful business overnight, without developing relevant skills, perseverance, and without putting in the extra effort.
Also, we want quick sex and hookups while only using our finger to swipe left or right on apps like Tinder. And many are successful at that, don’t get me wrong. But at what price?
We are very quick to decide to have sex with a new potential partner, to move in and live together, to enter a marriage. In the end, we also decide very quickly to end the relationship and file for a divorce when we find out that our partner is not the right match for us.
It looks like slow dating, steady progress, patience, and testing the water first are almost forgotten skills in almost every area of life. Instant gratification is what we want, all the way. And people have the same expectations when they are searching for long term relationship partners and marriage partners. But ultimately that strategy has major disadvantages and it can lead us only to the wrong path.
How all of that influences today’s relationships?
Modern Culture is Anti Slow Dating
As we can see for ourselves, modern culture is all about instant results and instant gratification. We are getting used to getting it all as fast as possible.
If you are hungry you walk to the nearest supermarket and buy yourself some food for. When in the past you had to go out in the world to hunt for food in order to survive, today you have an unlimited choice.
If you want information, you simply open your mobile phone and google away. You have unlimited information in the palm of your hand. In the past, you had to walk to the nearest library and rent a book or go to the college to learn some specialized knowledge and skill.
If you are horny and you want quick and fast sex, no worries, you just have to open your mobile phone again and use any of hundreds of available dating apps and dating websites. The majority of them are free so you really don’t have any excuse for saying that you can’t find sex.
In today’s culture, everything is so easy and available and that makes us lazy, entitled, spoiled and destructive. And the majority of things that are worth fighting for in this life won’t be served to you on the silver platter, for free.
You will actually have to put a little more effort to get things that are worth having in this life.
Sex Sells Everything
People will do literally anything to get sex. Men will buy expensive cars and spend months in the gym just to impress cute girls.
Women will buy expensive dresses, fake nails, fake hair, extensions and even fake breasts just to appear more beautiful.
We are literally being sold a lie that sex is the pinnacle of success and happiness. If you can get sex, and get it quickly and easily you are considered successful. And you actually believe how you will be happier for it.
But that can’t be further from the truth. People are social creatures are we are the happiest in life when we have relationships that are meaningful. But to find meaningful love relationships we will have to change the way in which we look for love.
You see, sex is only one part of the puzzle. It is extremely important in long term relationship, but if we put too much importance on sex in the beginning stages of dating and getting to know somebody, that could seriously cloud our judgment.
So if your goal is to find love, long term relationship or maybe marriage and ultimately children, having sex with the new partner too quickly could be a totally wrong decision.
Slow dating is the right way to attract love and meaning into our life.
Why slow dating is a better option if you want to find love?
If you are someone who is in a period of his life when committed relationships are the last thing on your mind, then this article won’t apply to you. Maybe you were in long-term relationship and it didn’t pan out like you imagined it, and now you just want to be wild and hook up with as many people as possible. Or you are simply too young and just want to experience all sex available to you. That’s ok…
If on the other hand, you’ve already seen that quick hookups aren’t bringing you anything extra or special, and you are sure that you are ready for something more meaningful, this article will speak directly to you.
There are a few good reasons why rushing to sex with new person won’t produce quality results- and why slow dating is a much healthier choice:
Sex Clouds Our Judgment
We all have a story or two when we’ve met someone new and felt instant attraction towards them. In that moment our hormones completely took over and the only thing that was on our mind was sex.
If you are a guy, maybe you saw a girl in the bar and you were instantly attracted to her. It didn’t matter what was her name, where does she work, or even if she is a sane and normal person. The only thing on your mind was to take her somewhere in isolation, where the two of you could be alone to have sex.
That is the perfect example of a situation when our sex hormones take over and our logical part of the brain totally shuts down.
When we are controlled by our hormones, the last thing on our mind is to analyze our long term compatibility with new partner.
You can see how that could be a problem and how it could lead us to some stupid and rash decisions. Decisions like moving in together, marrying and even having kids with the person who is the total opposite of our perfect match. And all of that because sex has clouded our logic and sanity.
Pursuing sex brings out the worst in us
If your goal is to pursue only sex, it can make you very lustful person over time. The more sex with different partners you have the more you will crave the variety. You will want it more and more and that could lead you to a place where you are not able to feel an emotional connection with new partners.
The same thing happens when people get addicted to pornography. They watch more and more over time and soon they are unable to feel satisfaction from watching regular porn. They crave something more extreme.
Putting sex on the pedestal as the ultimate satisfaction in relationships could expose you to different destructive emotions like jealousy and insecurity. Because instead of getting to know your partner better, you placed sex as the number one priority and overlooked their true nature and characteristics.
Slow dating forces you to really get to know the other person
Relationships are really special because we bond with our partner on an emotional level and physical level. If we get to the sex part too fast, we miss the emotional component of bonding.
That can have negative effects such as choosing the wrong person for a relationship based only on the physical criteria.
Ultimately, sex clouds our judgment and it can lead us to end in a relationship with a completely incompatible person.
Scientists have discovered that relationships where sex happens too fast have higher chance to suffer in terms of quality if they lead to marriage down the road.
How to go about Slow Dating?
Some of you are now maybe nodding your head in recognition.
Maybe you’ve analyzed your past relationships quickly and discovered that they have been setup the wrong way from the beginning. They didn’t stand a chance, but you were totally unaware.
Now you want to try something different and try slowing things down from now on, but you don’t know how to go about it.
What do you need to change from now on and where to search for partners who are interested in the same things as you?
Let me tell you that slow dating is not something special. It could mean just changing your mindset a little bit and trying different tools. Tools, in this case, are different dating apps and dating websites.
Also, dating slower could mean just to stop putting sex on the pedestal as some ultimate holy grail.
Yes, sex is very important, but it is just one piece of the puzzle in a healthy relationship.
Are Dating Apps just for Hookups?
A lot of people have this opinion about dating apps, that they are just for younger people interested only in quick sex and hookups.
While there is some truth in it, it couldn’t be further from the complete truth.
Different people use dating apps for different reasons. Some use them to find sex, some to find relationships, some to find friendships, and some to find people interested in the same sexual fetishes.
There is also a difference between dating apps. Their options and functionality will determine what will the users use them for.
For example, dating app like Tinder is generally geared towards younger crowds and it’s the most popular ” hookup app”. It got the attribute “hookup app” because it is pretty shallow and oriented on users photos. On the app like Tinder, your whole dating success will depend on the quality of your photographs.
Other apps, like Ok Cupid and Coffee Meets Bagel are more known as more serious dating apps where people search for more serious dating arrangments. OkCupid is most known for the ” questionnaires” that users will have to use in order to increase the chances of finding a compatible match for themselves.
So it totally depends on you and your preferences on which dating app will you choose. Keep reading to discover some of the most popular and widely used slow dating apps.
Best Slow Dating Apps
Below, you will find the most popular apps specially designed to find you love and relationships. We chose them according to the number of people actively using the apps and according to user reviews.
Once is one of the relatively newer dating apps. It is very popular among users who search for long term dating prospects because it brings you hand-picked quality matches every day.
So if you are tired of endlessly swiping on apps like Tinder, just to be disappointed in the end, -Once could surprise you.
Every day at noon you will get matches handpicked just for you by Once’s matchmakers, and you will have 24 hours to decide whether you want to proceed further or not.
Once is designed to find you quality rather than quantity.
Ok Cupid is one of the biggest online dating sites and it is widely known as the ” relationship dating site”. Users of Ok Cupid will need to answer some questions and fill out some tests before using the site.
The goal is to get to know the user better in order to find them a better match. The questions are taken from the large user base and they range from funny to the more serious ones.
Ok Cupid is a free dating site and you can also download a free app. The perfect site to find users interested in slow dating.
Coffee Meets Bagel is also one of the newer dating sites. It is best suited for people looking for serious relationships. It is oriented on quality over quantity so you will get only a limited number of matches per day, but if you choose correctly that should be more than enough.
Coffee meets bagel is an excellent choice for men because now it has more female users than male. Men and women both receive daily matches, known as bagels. Men receive 21 matches, while women receive a more hand curated 5 matches each day. The profiles are short and sweet, allowing the picture and profile to be displayed in one easy to read frame.
Only when you match with another user can you send them a private message. Also, the communication on the app is limited by time in order to encourage people to move the conversation from the app to the real life. The ultimate goal is to connect users on dates in real life.
Plenty of Fish or better known as POF is another big and popular dating site with over 30 million active users.
POF is free to use and registration is very simple. It gives you the option to participate in quizzes, ranging from sex quizzes to serious relationship quizzes.
When you participate by answering questions you are increasing your chances of finding a compatible match.
Match is one of the best paid online dating sites. It has a big user base and it is very user-friendly.
As we could see, the only bigger disadvantage to Match is that it is a paid site. Other than that Match presents a good option if you are trying to find love and relationships online.
Tips for Slow Dating that Leads to Relationship
Now that you know what tools are the best if your goal is love and relationships, the only thing left is to talk about how to use them.
Many people use online dating sites once or twice and then decide that they don’t work at all. But if they learned first how to use them correctly their chances of success would increase drastically.
Use texting to increase emotional intimacy when slow dating
This only applies if you have already matched with someone and now you must get to the next step and get to know them better.
Many dating gurus advise to get texting to a minimum before date. I completely agree with that, if your goal is to find quick sex and remain mysterious.
But if your goal is to get to know someone better before meeting them in person texting can be a valuable tool in your arsenal.
Of course, don’t be boring and stay only on texting. The goal should be to meet in person. Use texting to decide if you want to invest more time and energy in that person. If after a few messages you see that you don’t have anything in common and that conversation is not flowing naturally, better cut it sooner than later.
Choose dates that you actually enjoy
The mainstream dating advice is that first date should be somewhere romantic. Also, that you should spend money on expensive dinner and wine.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, you are searching for your future relationship partner, and you want to avoid picking the wrong person.
So the best first date idea is to take your partner somewhere where you actually want to go. Do something that you enjoy. That way you don’t have to pretend and your date will be more fun and more enjoyable.
If you don’t like to eat in restaurants and visit bars, avoid it all together. Take your date to a place of your preference. For example, if you enjoy listening to music live, take your date somewhere to a live concert. Even better is if you take them on an action date. That way you will have the opportunity to do something together and enjoy a fun activity. that is ultimately more interesting than sitting in some lousy bar and eating tortillas.
Enjoy the deeper conversation
After all the goal is to forget about sex on the first few dates. Also, to get to know your potential partner better, and actually enjoy slow dating experience. That way you will be in a much better position to decide are you two actually a good fit together.
When we participate with someone in deep conversation and actually enjoy that conversation, that makes us a much more attractive partner. Not only that, it is scientifically proven that deep conversations actually deepen our connection.
Use that time carefully and really get to know your partner. Talk about everything, from your most memorable life experiences, former lovers, life expectations, life goals, traveling, hobbies. You catch a drift.
But a word of advice- be actually genuinely interested in what your date has to say. It will be plainly obvious if you are playing a character with some ulterior motive. And in the end, it will only waste yours and their time.
Don’t play games
After a first date, if you actually had a good time, tell that to your partner. You can say to them how you had a good time and you genuinely want to see them again. Wait for their response and if they also had a good time, schedule your next date. You can even say to them how you enjoy slow dating and getting to know them better.
Men are usually taught to wait a few days before texting again to avoid appearing needy. But one thing is the truth. If the girl liked you on the date you can text her the next day. even better, if you really made an impression on her she will contact you first sometimes.
Neediness is like a plague
Neediness is the biggest attraction killer of all. To avoid the pitfalls of neediness the cure is very simple.
Just have your own life.
Have your own career, a business, a hobby. Any kind of passion in life. That will instantly make you more attractive to your partner and save you from traps of neediness. The best of all is that it will be completely natural and it will fit perfectly in your slow dating plan.
As men, you are bombarded with all kinds of conflicting messages from all sides. But if you want to find a quality woman for relationship and maybe something more serious like marriage, learn to avoid rushing to sex too quickly. Slow dating maybe doesn’t sound interesting, but actually it is.
In most cases even if the woman sleeps with you on the first date, she will feel bad about it later. Especially if she is a woman of good morals. She will categorize you in the one-night stand category and usually ghost you after a few more encounters.
The best word of advice I can give you is to be fast enough when showing your sexual interest. That way she won’t lose her interest. On the other hand, be slow enough that she doesn’t get the feeling that you want her only for sex.